BERTILSON CONVICTED! MEANS OF EXECUTION TO BE DECIDED BY AHERN OR (NOW) NAMED EXECUTIONER!

Mr. Bertilson was found at his comparatively uncluttered desk this afternoon emitting the occasional sigh and looking downcast. Our sources had already confirmed the death sentence on him, but we had expected to meet a much, much more downcast Mr. Bertilson. Upon preliminary, not further, inquiry, Bertilson offered comments.

"It's like a bad, horrible, terrible, horrendous TV show. The 'criminal' as I am so boringly styled, is tried, convicted, sentenced to death, yada yada yada. Everyone goes home happy. What TV show ends like that?

"It's just not right. The Ahern Embrey administration obviously doesn't understand that Islas is a community driven by disorder. Entropy. Yes, entropy," Bertilson repeated, after our cameraman raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Islas, in its earlier years, thrived upon forced matrimonies across the board. If there wasn't marriage, there was at least fabled romance of unequalled proportions. Those days are gone, thanks to Mr. Ahern. First he issued that horrid edict a few days ago, banning several crucial elements of what makes Islas Islas. Then, having banned such fine activities, the president's lawyer proceeds to persue charges against, what, five illustrious Islasers? Such a president should not be tolerated, even by the likes of Hitler and Mr. Clean.

"He ruins fun, abolishes enjoyment, and attempts to make himself a bachelor for life. One would only guess that, having elected an unmarried president, said president's people would be expected, nay, morally obligated to find their chief executive a suitable match. Mr. Ahern seems incapable to understand that our utter gratitude for who knows what can only possibly be channelled there. His attitude toward this show of supreme gratitude is uncannily un-presidently. It cannot be tolerated. I say, Mr. Ahern, if you care for the people. If you love your country. If you enjoy the activities oldies used to spend half their lives doing to perfection, if you are truly an Islaser...Mr. Ahern, please step down. Remove yourself from the Wombat-Shaped office. Your presence there could only embarrass anyone. The Purple Wombat no longer needs you."

Our stunned faces retained their shape for at least a minute more, while Bertilson continued to carefully and eloquently state the futility of Mr. Ahern's attempts to squash all that Islasers have ever held dear.

"His offical lawyer and resident, yet unofficial blockhead, Mr. Denhoed, has come to the conclusion that I ought not be alive. He also charged me guilty of all the previously mentioned charges. Not only are some of them petty, but more than that, some of them are downright infringements on the right to free speech. The only reason the Ls have tolerated such an infringement, is, I can only imagine, that they believe in Islas, and can see what fun can be had by leading this mad man, Mr. Ahern, and the rest of his gang, around in circles, like a dog chasing cars.

"I do not ask for their protection, nay, I need it not. I ask that the people of Islas understand what I say. Ordered democracy cannot work for Islas, nay, it will not. The spirit of all Islas demands a constant state of chaos, or it will die. Islas is a hurricane. If it discontinues in its way, peaceful, orderly, it dies. If it sweeps the world, its power is almost unequalled on this Earth. That is what the people of Islas must know. Islas cannot live if there is order."

"Thus, I hereby establish the Disorder of the Purple Wombat. All who join this Disorder pledge to uphold the ideals, namely chaos, enjoyment, and reasoned or unreasoned debate. All who join this Disorder promise with the very fibers of their being to be, themselves, an agent of chaos, heeding only the highest officers, namely The Two and Only Ls."

Our continuedly stunned faces returned to our headquarters, where, when relayed, the speech was gaped at nearly universally.

UPDATE: Miss Hannah Roorda has been mentioned as the executioner. "Ladies first," makes its first victim. Miss Roorda wasn't given the chance to decline comment, but was, this day, prosecuted for various charges which may be mentioned in further updates.

Your rebellious, chaotic, and keyboard-toting writer,


!Noah!