October 19, 2012

When God Wants You to Get More Stuff

Ok, so, some point in the near future, I might get a camera. Ideally, this camera would both open up all sorts of options for creativity in the future, as WELL as provide me with some source of income, whether sporadic or constant, significant or pitiful...

But I don't know. Am I really cut out for taking pictures the rest of my life? Sure, I probably will end up doing something else here or there, and I'll be taking pictures the rest of my life non-professionally all the time...'cause that's part of my life.

But this is different than that. Right now, I sort of have about enough money to buy myself...half the camera. And that's spreading the butter thin. My parents have tentatively offered to pay the other half...how much of this is because I'm not in college right now, and probably won't do much more than a community college even if I do end up going...that I don't know. However, they've offered.

What should I do? It isn't exactly a question I feel qualified to outright answer myself, but at the same time, it seems like I don't have a better option. Right now, I'm unemployed, without motivation or activity to fill my day. Were I on the ball, getting up earlier, and caring if tomorrow was full or empty, I'd probably be practicing Taekwondo three times a week. I mean, I'm not earning any money right now, I'm not doing anything useful with my life, I should at least be benefiting from my parents' generosity.

But, the question at hand. Heck, sorry, but I'm going to go on something of a side-issue or tangent now.

Is it possible or right that a person can find meaning, purpose, LIFE simply by getting something, knowing someone, having a new person in their life?

Anyone who knows me knows exactly what I'm talking about...but now that I say it out loud (...not exactly...), it doesn't sound very true, logical, or good. God's my purpose, he made me, and he gave me life. GIVES me life. What then? Am I supposed to simply go on with life dreaming and hoping for a better life that I'll only deny myself because my hope ultimately isn't in God?

It seems to me both sides of that are now thoroughly detestable to me, so I'll move on.

So, I should be doing something with my life. And one thing I can definitely argue I should do is expand my talent and my skill. One of my greatest skills/talents is photography. It's not boasting, honestly, it's just true.

I've got a thing for writing, but she doesn't seem to reciprocate.

Acting, singing, dancing...I can remember there are a few others, but this post is exhaustive as it is.

But ultimately, the point of this post is trusting God. And I don't know if this is one of those times I'm supposed to trust God, or one of those times I'm supposed to NOT spend all my money and put all my hope in a creation.

And that's a stupidly disturbing way to put it, by the way. It's all nice and good talking about idolatry when you're not crushing on a girl, when you've pretty much got everything you want materially, but when you want something or someone, all of a sudden, that person or thing is a freaking demon of deception and...

Well, it's bad.

Oh, yeah. And then there's the fact that, in the end, at least half of this IS going to end up being my parents' money. And I'm not just miserly with my own money. Although abandoning Taekwondo for a month isn't a great habit in that respect.

But the issue at hand. Should I go and spend almost all my own money, as well as an equal amount of my parents' money, on something that really is kind of a horrible bet? Is this one of those times when my faith in God would change my life?

I guess that's a stupid question, when it's put to words.

Help my unbelief, LORD!


October 05, 2012

The God Screwdriver

Why write? Why? I mean, I feel like it doesn't do anything. It doesn't serve a purpose.

Which is probably true, in this case. It's not going to create a cure to the common cold or even make you laugh, most likely. What am I doing?

Am I good at this? Don't answer that.

I like writing, but honestly, recently, I haven't been writing either frequently OR well. More like infrequently and badly. I mean, if stream-of-consciousness is bad, I'm probably somewhere on the way down the proverbial Grand Canyon of writing.

Oooh, psychoanalyze, Noah! Get with it! Who knows what you could be thinking if you were thinking about how you're thinking?

It feels weird when I write my own name. It feels like I'm talking about someone else.

Ok, so here's the deal. How I'm thinking right now. And this is for me, so if I'm not being honest, it's me who's losing.

Ok. So besides the whole girl thing...which I don't think I need to expound on...I want a job. Honestly, right now, I feel like a guy just freaking waiting 'til he grows a beard, moves to his parents' basement and gains a couple hundred pounds.

And if that's how I feel, forget about me asking a girl out! Yikes, no. Oh, so mature, Noah! Caring for her instead of yourself! Well, yeah, but ultimately, all it gets me is a fantastic opportunity to lose responsibility, become a first-class lazy bum, and do...more of this.

Do I think too much? I think so. I dunno. Maybe the point at which you wonder if you think too much is the point at which you are thinking too much. What would I know?

But, wait! It's all for the girl! Yeah. That's true, really. I mean, I'm ashamed about this and whatnot, but for the last six months, I didn't go to church and/or Bible study first and foremost because I wanted to get closer to good friends or God himself, but rather because there was some chance Girl X would be there.

Yeah. Really. I'm like, "Yeah! She might be there, so I'll get a suit and tie, and maybe she'll be impressed despite the fact that I neither have a job nor the will to get one."

Yeah. I don't know if I want a job, really. I mean, I've been jobless for a while now...well, pretty much since I was born, really...but it's like a freaking...mind labyrinth or something! I want to get a job and stuff because of HER or whoever I actually end up loving forever and always...but I don't. Why?

'Cause I'm made to live for God, not for a human being, either myself or her.

And I know this! I know how that works! I get it! 

Now I'm going to make a stupid sappy analogy that makes a lot of stupid sense.

I like taking things apart and putting them back together, usually with a better understanding and appreciation for them afterwards as opposed to before. I guess with God I can't do that. God isn't a watch or a computer or a dryer. He's God. He can't be disassembled, categorized, understood, and reassembled! He's infinite! There's no end to how complex and wonderful and amazing he is. I appreciate the depth and intricacy of a simple desktop computer, but when it comes to God, it's too much.

I don't get God.

"So?" I ask myself. "Why do you need to?"

At this point, I stare blankly at myself. There wasn't a mirror available, so I used a CD.

"Because I don't yet understand myself."

Cue lyrics from Emma Louise. Yeah. Obscure. I'm such a hipster.

But yeah! I don't understand myself. Looking into my face, thinking about the weird and occasionally cool things I do, I don't get it. I don't get me. C-c-c-c-COMBO!

I don't get God.
I don't get me.

And, honestly, I don't understand how I don't understand myself. Or what part of myself I don't understand.


Maybe it's the God part. The Image. Imago Dei. It would make sense, I guess, but it wouldn't help things much.

I guess even in me, I can't unpack God and make him a number.

Should I be a scientist? Feels like I think more like a scientist than not...

But nooo! I think weird. I think about strange things. But...who doesn't? I guess I'm just one of the guys who hands my weird side a titanium spork instead of telling it to shut up. 

I don't get me, I don't get God.
I guess that's a problem.

How am I supposed to figure this out?