August 10, 2011

Not Happy

And now I'm not happy.


So many reasons. Dishes. Trash. People. Myself. Girls. Family. God. Stuff. Job (the lack thereof, rather).

I don't get it. I've got it good, and I know it. I know God, and I love him. I have a family, a great one, and I don't appreciate them, I don't engage with them, I don't love them.

But I do. And yet I don't.

I want to talk to people and know them. I want them to talk to me and know me. I want to love them despite their faults, and I want them to love me despite my faults.

I know God loves me, and yet I haven't felt like he's really there recently. I've been sporatically joyful and sorrowful, hyper and grumpy. I don't know why.

I want someone to know me and to care enough to ask how I'm doing more than once every two weeks. I want someone who'll in turn allow me to care about them and ask them probing, even unpleasant questions at will.

I'm unrepentant and sinful and I don't seem to have the will to change it myself, let alone ask someone to walk through this proverbial fire with me. I can't figure out who could do that, who has the time to talk when I need to talk, to care for me when I need to be cared for.

The irony is that I'm living in a house full of caring, loving, kind people. Moreover, I live in a community (CityLife) whose members are at least preaching the embrace of community, and most wholeheartedly establishing it.

I bought myself a new computer recently, and no matter how much I tell myself I needed it, that it was for my own good as well as others', it's not entirely true. I got it 'cause I wanted mine to be better than Gregory's, for starters. Pride point. Also, I wanted to spend more time playing more impressive games. Another pride point, I guess.

And I want a girl. I've heard practically everything I could ever hope to hear about girls, dating, love, sex, and marriage, and yet it seems like it's either gone in one ear and out the other, or it's just not saturated me, I guess you could say. I want to get married, and yet I can't help feeling I'm depending on that, my greatest dream ever, to fulfill my desires, solve my problems, and make me happy. I know that's not the case, of course, because there's God, and if Girl X can solve all my problems, God would become obsolete.

I want to love my family and know more friends, to be someone who opens up easily to brothers who can actually understand and help and keep loving me even then.

But would it be permanent? I keep asking myself this. I don't want to continue Taekwondo unless I do it my whole life. I don't want to go out with a girl unless it ends up in marriage. I don't want to do a job unless I see it finished. I don't want to tell at all unless I tell all. Why should I make friends if they'll move away next year? I've got plenty of friends I've never met and some I've met a couple times, tops. Why should I add to their number?

But life is fleeting! Friendship perhaps even more so. Carpe diem! But how? When? With what intentions? How can I take control of my life, my friendships, my loves, if I can't figure out why I'm so ticked off in the first place? How can I hope to make my life better if I can't figure out why it's so bad? God? I don't know what I haven't tried! It's hyperbolic, probably not true, but life is too disappointing to be optimistic. At this point, I don't want anything to solve my problems because I'm too sour and convinced they're permanent and unchangable.

Why must I be so desperate? Why must I be so secretive, silent, so sour?

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

Psalm 13:1


August 07, 2011


Ok, so, right now, I'm happy. I don't care what you say, I am.

And I'm not. It's weird. A few minutes ago...wait, no, it was probably an hour ago, I took out the trash. In a sour mood indeed.

And now I'm hyper, talking my head off. Can't figure it out.

Anyway, if I were to select a phrase for the day, it'd be "old flame"

No, it has nothing to do with girls or love or anything like that.

The thought.

The very thought of it.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life if I intend to marry this girl. It's a lot to do for such an old dream.

Dude, I'm so absolutely sappy. Gosh, people, how do you put up with this guy.

I mean, me.

Yep, I'm totally referring to myself in the third person.

The Third Person.

It could be a film about a multiple-personality guy. You know there's a film by the name The Third Man? It'd even have subliminal parody status! Yeah, I don't know what that means either.

Anywho. I've got myself a new computer. I think there are pictures up on Flickr. Die if you don't know the address. Either that or comment and ask for it. I've got some other new pictures up there too.

I've neglected this bloooggg. Like so many other people. I know, people may say cats are the most neglected pet of all time, but, I'm telling you, it's actually blogs. Seriously.

Anywho. I'm in a weird mood. I like it, but I'm not sure if it's healthy. It's sorta hyper, but, unfortunately, dear old Lilliopathy isn't on. I'm not sure what I'd do if I didn't have her to spazz to every now and then.

I've got things to do. Jobs to search, noodles to boil, tigers to tame. I might even clean my ears along the way.

People, if I do this, I'm gonna need prayer like heck.

Dude, I'm so horribly dramatic at this hour.

Don't worry, most likely, I'll only get myself horribly shamed and lose all will to support myself and end up 40, jobless, 300 pounds, and playing video games 12 hours a day.

See? Told you so?

I'll get off, before I get into a full-scale argument with myself.