November 26, 2008

Walk bold...WHAT?!


Excuse me. Here's the PROPER QUOTE.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far,” a West African proverb. (shamelessly copied from my friend Wikipedia.)

TR. Thanky. Get a life, Amazon.
Also, be sure to watch the Looney Tunes show where Bugs runs for something or other. That was quite loverly.
I find it vaguely appealing to go into a nice, biased explanation of how this perfectly proves all my political beliefs to be true, but, I've got other things to do.


November 25, 2008

Bertilson's First Law of Numeric Inaccuracy

Ok. I've wondered about this for a long time, and I decided to figure it out. Now I'm publishing it so I can get into some legal battle with some loony lab scientist who believes he figured it out first.

The problem came to me several times with the last few weeks during Geometry. In my home schooled way, I'm supposed to do a set number of problems from a certain unnamed Geometry book. The notations are much like this:

1-16, 19-24

The problem I saw was that, in some situations, the last number did, in fact, equal the total number of pages...oh, never mind, I'll just confuse you with the formula thingy I made up.

Let X equal smaller number
Let Y equal larger number
Let R equal the real number (of pages, counted objects or things)

X - Y (pp.)

(Y-X) + 1 = R iff X = 1

(iff being a notation meaning "if and only if")

By these means, I mean to make it harder to explain once I put the thing in words.

1-8 is eight pages.
7-15 is eight pages. (for the sake of simplicity, I've changed this from the original thing...)

See? When you subtract one from eight, you get seven. In that case, the real number of counted things is eight. Fifteen minus seven equals eight. This is correct, somehow assisted or brought about by the fact that the smaller number is not one.

You thought zero was weird?

Now I can regret this for the rest of my life, as I already deplore the amount geometry people have confused me over the last few weeks. Have a nice day!


November 19, 2008

Al-Qaeda takes hits at Obama, your totally unbiased reporter can't wait to hear what he has to say

Al Qaeda, November 19th, 2009...

In the Name of Allah, and all Praise is due to Allah, and Prayers and Peace on the Messenger of Allah and on his family, Companions and allies.
Muslim brothers everywhere: Peace be upon you and the Mercy of Allah and His blessings. As for what comes after:
Barack Obama has won the presidency of the United States of America, and on this occasion, I would like to send several messages.
First, a message of congratulations to the Muslim Ummah on the American people's admission of defeat in Iraq. Although the evidence of America's defeat in Iraq appeared years ago, Bush and his administration continued to be stubborn and deny the brilliant midday sun. If Bush has achieved anything, it is in his transfer of America's disaster and predicament to his successor. But the American people, by electing
Obama, declared its anxiety and apprehension about the future towards which the policy of the likes of Bush is leading it, and so it decided to support someone calling for withdrawal from Iraq.
The second of these messages is to the new
president of the United States. I tell him: you have reached the position of president, and a heavy legacy of failure and crimes awaits you. A failure in Iraq to which you have admitted, and a failure in Afghanistan to which the commanders of your army have admitted. The other thing to which I want to bring your attention is that what you've announced about how you're going to reach an understanding with Iran and pull your troops out of Iraq to send them to Afghanistan is a policy which was destined for failure before it was born. It appears that you don't know anything about the Muslim Ummah and its history, and the fate of the traitors who cooperated with the invaders against it, and don't know anything about the history of Afghanistan and its free and defiant Muslim people. And if you still want to be stubborn about America's failure in Afghanistan, then remember the fate of Bush and Pervez Musharraf, and the fate of the Soviets and British before them. And be aware that the dogs of Afghanistan have found the flesh of your soldiers to be delicious, so send thousands after thousands to them.
As for the crimes of America which await you, it appears that you continue to be captive to the same criminal American mentality towards the world and towards the Muslims. The Muslim Ummah received with extreme bitterness your hypocritical statements to and stances towards Israel, which confirmed to the Ummah that you have chosen a stance of hostility to Islam and Muslims.
You represent the direct opposite of honorable black Americans like Malik al-Shabazz, or Malcolm X (may Allah have mercy on him). You were born to a Muslim father, but you chose to stand in the ranks of the enemies of the Muslims, and pray the prayer of the Jews, although you claim to be Christian, in order to climb the rungs of leadership in America. And so you promised to back Israel, and you threatened to strike the tribal regions in Pakistan, and to send thousands more troops to
Afghanistan, in order for the crimes of the American Crusade in it to continue. And last Monday, your aircraft killed 40 Afghan Muslims at a wedding party in Kandahar. As for Malik al-Shabazz (may Allah have mercy on him), he was born to a black pastor killed by white bigots, but Allah favored him with guidance to Islam, and so he prided himself on his fraternity with the Muslims, and he condemned the crimes of the Crusader West against the weak and oppressed, and he declared his support for peoples resisting American occupation, and he spoke about the worldwide revolution against the Western power structure.
That's why it wasn't strange that Malik al-Shabazz (may Allah have mercy on him) was killed, while you have climbed the rungs of the presidency to take over the leadership of the greatest criminal force in the history of mankind and the leadership of the most violent Crusade ever against the Muslims.
And in you and in Colin Powell, Rice and your likes, the words of Malcolm X (may Allah have mercy on him) concerning "House Negroes" are confirmed.
You also must appreciate, as you take over the presidency of America during its Crusade against Islam and Muslims, that you are neither facing individuals nor organizations, but are facing a Jihadi awakening and renaissance which is shaking the pillars of the entire Islamic world; and this is the fact which you and your government and country refuse to recognize and pretend not to see.
As for the third message, it is to the Muslim Ummah. I tell it: America, the criminal, trespassing Crusader, continues to be the same as ever, so we must continue to harm it, in order for it to come to its senses, because its criminal, expansionist Crusader project in your lands has only been neutralized by the sacrifices of your sons, the Mujahideen. This, then, is the path, so stick to it.
As for the fourth message, it is to the lions of Islam, the Mujahideen. I tell them: may Allah reward you in the best way for your historic heroics, which have ruined America's plans and rendered its projects ineffective. So be firm and resolute. Your enemy's stagger has begun, so don't stop hitting him.
And I say to my brothers the Mujahideen in Iraq in general and the Islamic State of Iraq in particular, and to its Amir, the towering mountain Abu 'Umar al-Baghdadi: your enemy has admitted defeat, and the forthcoming stage is expected to be dominated by conspiracies and betrayals in order to cover the American withdrawal, so you must persevere, for victory is in an hour of perseverance.
And I tell my brothers, the lions of Islam in Somalia: rejoice in victory and conquest. America is gathering its wounds in Iraq, and
Ethiopia is looking for a way out, and for this reason, the stage of conspiracies and machinations has begun. So hold tightly to the truth for which you have given your lives, and don't put down your weapons before the Mujahid state of Islam and Tawheed has been set up in Somalia.
And I tell all Mujahideen everywhere: the Hubal of the age has begun to falter and recede, and Allah has granted you success and honored you by making you the most important cause of that, so be resolute on the path of Jihad until you meet your Lord while He is pleased with you.
And my fifth message is to all the world's weak and oppressed. I tell them: America has put on a new face, but its heart full of hate, mind drowning in greed, and spirit which spreads evil, murder, repression and despotism continue to be the same as always. And the Mujahideen of Islam, by the grace of Allah, continue to be the spearhead of the resistance against it to restrain it from injustice, aggression and arrogance.
As for my final message, it is to the American people. I tell it: you incurred defeat and losses from the foolish actions of Bush and his gang, and at the same time, Shaykh Usama bin Ladin (may Allah preserve him) sent you a message to withdraw from the lands of the Muslims and refrain from stealing their treasures and interfering in their affairs. So choose for yourself whatever you like, and bear the consequences of your choice, and as you judge, you will be judged.
And our final prayer is that all praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and may Allah send prayers and peace on our Master Muhammad and his family and Companions.


Ok. Suppose we
do leave Iraq within, say, six months. Al Qaeda already believes they've won! The very idea is preposterous, leaving. Without us leaving, they already think they've won. This is so unbelievably inaccurate that saying it's a lie is an understatement. It's merely building on our dear media's vision of America. I don't believe that Obama will say what Al Qaeda said about America, but it's a lot closer to what he believes than what I do. They intend to kill us! They hate us! Leaving Iraq will be throwing up the towle, glove, or what have you. Giving up in Iraq right now is little different than giving up a war in which the odds of you winning are a hundred to one, when it comes to quantity. These extremists can't keep fighting if they're dead. They can't threaten our hard-won freedom and happiness if we exterminate them before they manage to exterminate us.

Obama? I can't wait for what he says in response. I'd love him to say something intelligent and reasonable, but even hearing him spew nonsense can make me happy.

(sorry for those awful live link thingies...)
(Also, thanks to Fox News for the transcript. I hope I'm not infringing on Al Qaeda's copyright.)
(minor change to main text color. I consider it a bit more readable, but I feel like I'm frying my eyes out merely by changing the brightness of a couple thousand pixels...that's why I'm almost positive I'm not changing to a white-based theme. My eyes are frying out now with this crazy Blogger post editor.)

Ever yours unbiasedly,


November 18, 2008

Ketchup -- A Story of Romance, Action, and a stupid girl

For those of you who can't cope with the idea of a boy creating a girl character who is stupid, buzz off. For those of you who can cope with it and have, read on. As Blogger just died on me in the most annoying fashion, I just lost a great work of writing, and am in a much too tired state to attempt to resurrect it. However, I'll try to introduce this story as humorously as possible, so you won't be sitting, looking at trillions of light particles/waves zinging at your eyes at speeds hereunto unreached by mankind. Anyway, as I was saying, I will definitely not make any jokes in introducing such a serious and thought-provoking story. As such...

Ketchup (a story of romance, action, and a stupid girl)
By Noah Bertilson


As is necessary when making books, some people decide they need introductions, forwards, and prologues. I find the very idea entirely preposterous. Merely for the sake of the sanity of publishers, this is included, supposing this crazed semblance of words ever does come from the cursed pixels of this computer to the blessed pages of a well-printed book. As this is entirely unlikely and probably opposing to what most people would have me call "fate", this introduction is almost entirely useless. As I intend to leave some reason to it, I'll add a bit of an introduction to Jack in specific and some other very important people. Here yah go, crazy publishers:

The Real Introduction

It was a long time ago when Jack was a boy. Er. No. He is a boy, but he was a younger boy before he was an older boy. He had parents. Two of them. Fine, kind, good, honorable people. Um. And there was one man and one woman. Definitely. (publishers, if you can't deal with that, you can go ride an ICBM. Nuclear, yah hear?)
Anyway. He had a father and a mother. They taught him so much in his first ten years of life that he was easily wiser than a good half of the average college student. Though this necessarily degrades the average college student, it doesn't mean, in any way, that college students are universally stupid. It just means that certain ones are so accomplished in the art of stupidity that their renown should have, before now, become much greater.
As I was saying, he had parents at that time. On his twelfth birthday, his parents went on a date after his birthday party, while he was babysat by one of their better friends. As this tragic story unfolded, he was doomed to have his parents killed for reasons not yet revealed. Sorry I got so nondramatic and humorous there, but, ahem, it's hard to make a death funny when you're 1. not playing a video game, 2.  an intelligent, fairly un-morbid boy like me.

Satisfied, pubs?

Ah, on to the story. Jack is now fourteen years old. He's been wandering through the United States for the last two parent-free years of his life. He's in better shape than anybody in a ten-mile radius of himself about 94.56% of the time, and he carries a useful backpack full of all sorts of useful stuff. However, at this moment, his life is in danger. Why, I don't even know yet. We join Jack jumping over a dumpster. A dumpster which is rather big.

A Jackrabbit Down

Jack's brain only registered shock for a tenth of a second. After that, his brain was unconscious, but the immensity of the shock seemed to have kept his brain in an odd in-between state, so that it still attempted to find out why he had failed to clear the dumpster correctly. It was a fairly complicated jump, but he'd completed it flawlessly from the day he learned it.

Jack woke up two days later, a gunshot wound in his shoulder, in a hospital.
Where's the bullet?” he asked the second he'd rounded up his senses and made sure he hadn't lost any of them.
What?” said a nearby doctor, looking unnerved, “Hey! You're supposed to be asleep, doctor's orders!”
What, did the doctor's union start a dictatorship?” Jack threw back, looking profoundly annoyed, “Now tell me, where is the bullet, you great albino Batman?”
The doctor looked slightly stunned for a few seconds, and then said, “The police have it. They're going to find the man that shot you, and you're going back to sleep,” he added firmly.
Jack immediately sat bolt upright. “No, they're not, and it's a she,” he said, flexing his legs and arms. The doctor looked blank, then arranged his features into a look invented before time by enslaved lab scientists. It conveyed the firm belief that the recipient of the look was believed not to be in full possession of either his senses or his sense. It only goes to prove how bad institutions slavery as well as whatever crazy institution lab scientists belong in are.
Oh, come on, how would you know that?” he asked, seemingly too astonished to stop Jack from doing experimental push-ups.
Jack snorted. “Like I'm going to tell you,” he said, getting out of bed and picking some very thin clothes from his backpack, which had been placed by his bed.
Well, you can't leave now,” the doctor said, realizing too late that he was pleading, “You've got to stay in for another two days,” he said. “Doctor's orders,” he added helplessly.
Jack rolled his eyes.
The doctor suddenly looked up, looking triumphant. “And the police chief wants to see you, too!”
Jack jumped. “The...the police chief,” he repeated lamely, not looking around.
Yeah,” the doctor said, seeming to think Jack's surprise and fear was actually resignation.
Jack bolted to the door in three long strides, opened it, and went out. The doctor came running to the door, at which point Jack took off his backpack and slammed him over the head when he came through the door. The doctor slumped down against the wall. Jack suddenly had an idea. Moving as fast as he could manage, he carried the doctor's body and moved it into his bed, pulling the covers over him.
Sleep well,” Jack told the unconscious doctor, “I hope you didn't break my laptop.” He patted the bald head almost thoughtfully, and bolted out the door once again.

A Bullet Gathered

At the fourth floor, Jack entered the elevator. At the lobby, a short UPS delivery man came out.
Alright, alright. You got me. He's Jack. But so what? It makes for a sleek story. Anyway.
Jack easily exited the building without any trouble whatsoever. His tongue even decided to project itself in the direction of a security camera. Everyone knows such behavior is entirely normal and ordinary.
The sad thing is that he forgot to cover up the signature he had traced on the back of his backpack with a glow-in-the-dark, neon-green Sharpie. In a blindingly bright shade of green, it stated clearly,

Jack Walker Rabbit (this is meant to be in a handwriting-like font, but Blogger has none such)

Several thousand miles away, on a deserted desert island, a large array of high-resolution LCDs, the video played back in slow motion. A man sat in a large chair adorned with many different animal skins. On the front, there seemed to be zebra, tiger, jaguar, as well as a small skin on the top, who, considering the twin, long ears pointing from its head, would be well judged to be a rabbit, or, more precisely, and, I'm afraid, intrusively, on your happy readership, I enlighten you with the intriguing truth that it is, in fact, a jackrabbit skin. Oh, yes. The man. Well, he looked very sinister, mainly because the light of twelve LCDs has an all-around zombifying effect on anyone who sits in front of them, excepting those so adorned with blood so as to make them look like zombies anyway. These cases have proved to be rather rare, as the amount of zombies in the world has decreased so drastically over the last several decades.

Outside of the elevator, Jack walked unhindered out of the hospital. He frowned. Things were so boring these days. You used to have well-trained thugs jump on you from the top of two-story buildings. This was a rather odd technique, but it worked. The sad thing was that few people had large squads of tough men willing to jump off of two-story buildings. For this reason, Jack's life had been a bit of a bore for several months. Considering he was only fourteen, he had a lot left to see, but he was fairly well prepared. He sighed and continued walking away from the hospital.
He was also thinking about being shot. And where the bullet was. But that's about all I, as author, am willing to tell you, the reader, about what he was, or what he was not thinking about at that time.
For now.
Anyway, he was thinking about how on earth he could have not cleared a dumpster so small that, by comparison to some of the ones he'd cleared, was merely a bump in the road. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit here, but I'm the author here, okay?
Now. As Jack grabbed his bike, which, for some reason, was sitting right outside the hospital, when, actually, he had left it about eight miles north of there in a place quite ruined by poverty. He had “lended” it to a man who claimed quite convincingly that he needed a bike to drive to the liquor store. Jack had, at that time, found this extremely interesting, and set the GPS in his bike to track the man. As it turned out, the man biked to a liquor store. Once there, however, he attempted to rob the place. Being an avid redneck, the store owner scared the man so badly that he didn't even bother to gather the bike. Thankfully, as always happens in such idiotic spy TV shows before now, the bike could “ride” itself. The one problem is that it terrified the northern population of the city, which, by and large, was poor. Word soon circulated that there, “was a witch in town”. I, the author, don't in the least deny that adding a witch at this time would “spice” things up a bit, but this is meant to center on Jack. This means, of course, that Jack actually being self-centered seems rational. I, as author, deny it, and leave it at that.
Ah, yes. Jack was on his bike, riding down a street. He was quite calm, despite the fact that his computer, back in his backpack, was going haywire because police cars were converging on his current location at speeds varying from sixty to one-hundred miles per hour. His computer knew things like this because he made it to. Sadly, he was already going at more than fourty miles per hour, so getting out his laptop and stopping it from sending crazy signals to his brain which were hardly understandable anyway was entirely out of the question.

Upon crossing an intersection at speeds which would make Lance Armstrong faint, Jack finally did turn on his rockets. And then he started to move really fast. Now, today, people seem to relate the word "fast" to their car, or some other means of transportation. Not to bikes. I think the average person doesn't know how fast Lance Armstrong has gone. No matter. I can assure you, though, that, if he wanted to, Jack could have outstripped the Concorde. Only here, he merely had to outstrip several police cars which were converging now, at a point several blocks ahead of him. His computer had calculated the trajectories of all the cars at one-hundred and ten percent of their actual speeds, assuring no police would come to harm. Jack firmly believed that brining people to harm was wrong. Taking this belief into account, he calculated the probability to damage of all things of the city to be wonderfully decreased if he merely increased his altitude by at least twenty feet. This he did without so much as a "click", though, honestly, "click" doesn't even describe what people usually use "click" to describe, i.e. It's as easy as CLICK, and you're hooked up to the biggest financial difficulty the nation has to be in distress over! Anyway, he, being the all-around technological genius that he is, had already integrated mind-computer control so all he had to do was think something which would tell the computer to tell the bike to increase the altitude of the bike to X. X is a variable, for your information. Not to be trifled with.
Jack totally missed the police cars and vaporized a good portion of a dense oak tree. Dense here means that it was “having the component parts closely compacted together”, not “stupid; slow-witted, dull”. Because of this, Jack's flight pattern, if it must be called that, was quite changed. He was, by resisting the gravity of Earth, going up. In going up, people feel a strange feeling. They start barfing, in extreme situations.


I feel it a heinous crime for my readers not to comment profusely and...well. Have a nice day.


November 09, 2008

Notes on Obama, pt. 2

Once again, for the purpose of clean and reasonable writing, I must introduce my post with the words, "Obama has won." Obama has won. There is no doubt about this, it is now unchangable, and we have to accept it.

Think back to 2000. Bush won the electoral collage, but not the popular vote. My memory of that time isn't perfect, but I believe many threatened to leave the country. I've heard that no such migration has happened. For this, I can congratulate some liberals for, if not honesty, perseverance. They said they'd leave, yet they did not give up on their country. I'd suggest few conservatives are near this level of disgust or objection to Obama's election. For that, we should congratulate our fellow conservatives, or, in the case of the few Democrats reading, your fellow Americans. 

Have we, as Republicans, given up on our country merely because a man we opposed has come into a position in which he deserves not only our respect, but our support where we can give it, and our opposition where we believe it is deserved? Have we given up on our party for merely losing an election? I hope not. Our two-party system is part of what makes America be America. Our division is part of what makes us one and indivisible. Because two parties are capable of putting an officer in the highest office in the country, our party is less capable of corrupting itself than if there were only a Republican Party.

This, however, does not mean we cannot come together to do things we agree on. Think of Bush. Democrats have attacked him to a degree which is so disgusting and revealing, that the one best response is to act in mercy and just judgment when a Democrat (or, if you wish, a leftist) is in the Oval Office. Democrats have, largely, acted despicable toward Bush. I don't know what others' views of Bush are as he prepares to leave office, but, merely for the fact that he did not attack back, I honor him.

What image will our country have of the Grand Old Party if we attack Obama as if he were the Antichrist? With a simple view of preserving our party, should we do so? If Democrats are largely incapable of being decent, should we follow their example? An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth? for me, I will support him where I can, and oppose him where I must. My support or opposition may not seem important, but I would have my readers know that I accept that Obama will be my president, and I will support him where I can. God Bless Barack Obama, and God Bless America.


November 08, 2008

2012, comin' up

Ok. How on earth are politicians going to manage this one? The next general election is November 4th, 2012, and, hence, the most obvious options seem to be to say "Sarah (in) twenty-twelve". The other way might be to start using the second decimal in the campaign slogan, so it would be "Sarah in oh-twelve". It's sort of a strange thing to do, but, oh well.

Congratulations to Barack Obama on a rather spectacular campaign, winning the presidency, and God Bless him.


November 05, 2008

What I regret most...

What I regret most not having done in this election season...

1. Making a HUGE McWhatshisname Palin sign...
2. Making a spoof of Matt Damon's Palin bashing...
3. Having not prayed for our election the Sunday before it happened. (at Church. Good grief. We need to pray about these things in church. We don't have to say who we want to win. We just have to say we are behind God one hundred percent.)
4. NOT crying my eyes out when Obama won...
5. The sad fact that McCain Palin will be much less well known than Obama Biden. It really annoys me that we all know who the first president of the United States was, yet we don't know, merely for instance, Quincy Adams' opponent. The losers seldom make history. Of all the vice presidential candidates I've heard of, I can't think of many others who more deserved to be remembered than Mrs. Sarah Palin.


Welcome to the Oval Office, President-Elect Barack Obama

Yes. He's gonna be president. I'm not even going to bother writing down what I hope will happen, knowing God is in control.

Ok. Recently I chatted to a certain friend of mine about God being in control and that whole bag of chips. For some odd reason, he/she couldn't comprehend the idea of God actually willing and making come to pass...the presidency of Barack Obama. I believe that God wanted it to happen, and, BANGKAPOW, it did. From the narrow, foolish view of a human, it may seem like he's...1. Trying to bring about the Apochalypse...2. Totally lost his marbles...3. Wanting us dead. Honestly, I can't imagine why this would be. I don't claim to know the mind of the Lord, but, please, peoples. God is in control. He wanted Obama to win, and, as long as we preserve the faith, we'll end up in heaven some day, praising God for all eternity. (Honestly, I'm really tempted to gloat over where the rest of the World's going to be then, but...oh, well.)

Also, on Islas recently, humorously or not, a certain Mr. Hilton has decided to wonder who the Antichrist is. I, through very little study or thought, have believed for awhile that there will be more than one. I merely present this as a theory whose author isn't even willing to find out whether it's true...but...anyway. Back to Mr. Obamassiah.

I do not believe that Barack Obama is the Antichrist, a Muslim, a spy, or any other than a elegible presidential candidate, and, as of late, president-elect. (That meaning citizen of the US from birth, along with being over 35 years of age.)

While I believe Obama is NOT the Antichrist, I believe his views on just about anything mean our beloved, America, is being prepared for assassination by poison dagger...or something else really iconic in romantic history. If he gets his way, more babies will be murdered...our economy will be damaged quite a bit, and our foreign policy will, in my opinion, go down the drains. Never look to be loved. Look to be honest, rightious, and, above all, Godly. (vaguely paraphrased from Dennis Prager.)

Now that I managed to run out of things to say, I'll stop saying them, for fear of flying on some world-class tangent.


November 04, 2008



...seriously, people, I think it should be a requirement for being an American citizen, voting. People who don't care where their country goes are foolish. America is only American because people were willing to vote, fight, learn, think, and believe in the one God who created the universe and everything else.