BREAKING NEWS: BERTILSON RUNNING AS VP WITH HIS MP3 PLAYER!

It was with startled surprise and mild annoyance that we received a call from Mr. Bertilson this morning. He seemed ecstatic. We attempted to convey our entirely opposite emotions, but he was so out of breath that he didn't even hear us. For those who haven't heard, Mr. Bertilson was pardoned by Mr. Ahern himself after offering, and then giving, a s'more to the kind Miss Roorda. We don't mean to say we're glad he's not gone, but the annoyance, mostly to Mr. Ahern's discredit, was rather great.

We having arrived at Mr. Bertilson's current residence, welcomed and seated, Mr. Bertilson took a deep breath, and spoke thus,
"Ok. Quite simply, I'm running for vice president." Honestly, that threw us first off our guard,
"You see, when I ran last year, I both ran for president, and forgot one thing. That one thing is so obvious it's near unbelievable, at this time, to imagine my forgetting it, and yet, I did. Put briefly, I forgot that I was human. Why is this a problem? Don't make me laugh. Running for president are so utterly related that it's odd I never though of this before. Instead, my dear MP3 player, Quivie, presented me with the idea. Indeed, she's running for president, with me as a running mate. The idea, I think, could also be credited mildly to Mr. Denhoed, or Mr. Denhoed. After all, who's better as a vice president than someone with the mental capacity of one or two average-grade bungling morons?"

The wisdom of his words struck the deepest tones in our souls, and we nodded as if enchanted, staring at him. We repeated the motion to let him know we wished him to continue. He did.
"Now, the sole purpose, of course, of running with a machine is utterly obvious." He looked at us expectantly. "Half the life insurance coverage?" one of us said, looking puzzled, after a while. Mr. Bertilson chuckled. "No. You remember that decade-old movie, The Matrix?" We all nodded emphatically. Each of us couldn't have less than two copies hidden in either our desks, computers, or digital devices. "Now, in that movie, the machines took over the world, enslaving, in a sense, the whole human race, harvesting the energy from their bodies to power themselves." Some of us squirmed. "The director of that movie, Dante, obviously, knew what he was talking about. The machines really will take over." We stared.
Now, the only obvious thing to do is to join the ones we already have. That's why Quivie's running for president. In such a position of power, organizing resistance and, at the same time, educating iguanas, will move forward at a much-accelerated pace. This said, the world may still not survive.
"Remember. Vote De Salsa - Bertilson '09, because we already do know the machines will take over."

We left his house, spellbound. As we walked back to headquarters, we contemplated Mr. Bertilsons words, eventually deciding to place a heavy editorial slant in favor of Mr. Bertilson on this article.


!Noah!