BERTILSON GETS PRESIDENTIAL BACK-PAT, IS FLATTERED, STILL ALIVE

This morningish time, John Ahern, president of Islas, gave an official announcement calling for more press agents, and even the reviving of such anti-Ahern agencies as the illustrious Sophisticator and ISLAS periodical. This call was allegedly meant to, "protect the freedom of the press." Our frequent commentator, ranter, and illustrious writer, Noah Bertilson, offered comment mere hours after the announcement.
"I admit I'm fairly flattered to receive an official, certified, and, in all senses, genuine presidential back-slap, but I'm still very annoyed at his horrible forgetfullness, I'm left to guess, considering my execution! The troubles, as I have said before, of having to live, expecting to have been dead a month or two ago, are enormous and overwhelming. Our president seems to have no consideration for the to-be-dead. He could have put poison in my water this morning! Miss Roorda could have chopped my head off any time in the last couple months with such ease as would be unequaled in a Twinkie manufacturing plant! One of my thoughts is that, perhaps our president wants to see me go in style, and has taken this long to prepare. Perhaps, but, nonetheless, I complain. The inconvenience is overwhelming to a degree that would break any other man."

Our team once again left for HQ, having a story of epic proportions once again from our fine, to-be-dead, and, above all, incomprehensible source,


!Noah!