THE HANGOVERER"S GUIDE TO HANGING OVER!!!

I realized, within the last sixty seconds, that I hadn't posted this on my blog. Uh, this blog. Whatever. Anyway.

IT'S FINALLY HERE!

THE HANGOVERER'S GUIDE TO HANGING OVER!!!
Edition One, unrevised

This 3-step guide to Hanging Over is concise, quick, and helpful to the everyday Hangoverer-wannabe! With this guide, most humans learn to Hangover within an hour, some even in minutes!

This guide comes to you free of any charge, and is not copyrighted in any way, shape or form!


The Hangeverer's Guide to Hanging Over!


Hangovering is a new way that assures maximum hangover potential, ranging, in the worst cases, from an indescribable desire to wed an orangutan, to the best case, in which Caps Lock stays on 24/7, and your voice becomes not unlike the noise which one might hear upon droping lead sheets on gravel. This effect has been desired for ages, and the way is now shown, free of charge, and has a warranty unlike any before it!


Step 1: Before you Hang.
First, you must compose yourself and not panic. This is, of course, a very unusual and complicated step, but it is necessary.

Step 2: Drink the Milk.
Pour at least ten (10) ounces of good, fresh, cold milk into an everyday generic glass. It doesn't have to be glass, though. And, yes, goblets do ruin the effect. Drink the milk. Don't worry about the milk, getting drunk doesn't hurt. Also, remember that glasses oughtn't be thrown across a room, especially after they've been Drunk out of.

Step 3: Get Drunk.
This step is obviously directed toward the Milk, and will usually be followed naturally. In rare cases, the Milk refuses, in which instance scolding on the part of the Hangoverer towards the Milk might become necessary, which has, in all living memory, solved the problem.

The result is a fine combination of the inability to turn off Caps Lock, and the type of voice Death is credited for. These effects usually last for more than six hours, and are potent except for the last ten seconds!

Notes:

In the case of a Hangover, non-caps letters indicate emphasis, meaning that such things as "lol" would be the Caps'd equivolent of "LOL". This is often referred to as the Reverse Case Effect, for reasons not obvious to the sane mind.

This is a written production by Twiddling Thumbs Studios

I wrote this sometime last year, I think...and, obviously, I'm somewhat proud of it. Otherwise, you wouldn't see it here. *wonders if he posted MFWG...not without trepidation...*

!Noah!

GB PULLS AHEAD (AGAIN!), BERTILSON STILL DOESN"T LOSE HEART!

Amazingly, when Gelenyse-Bertilson pulled ahead to seven votes, today, Mr. Bertilson didn't seem all too amazed, let alone worried. Hunter-Taylor was at five, and Denhoed-Denhoed still had a mere one vote.

"I have to say, I think the voters of the GB campaign are probably, in general, more active Islas members--I have no doubt we'll see the HT vote count much, much higher by the time the seventh day comes around," he said, looking mildly contemplative, and slightly pensive, too.

"It perplexes me, though, that Denhoed doesn't have more than one vote right now. I expected him to have two, perhaps three, but he's only got one so far. Miss Roorda isn't the sort of lady you'd expect to vote this late. Perhaps she thought she might rethink her decision. Who knows?"

Our whitened fingers hung to the last moment from his words, not giving up until the last echo had died.

STAY TUNED.

!Noah!

HT GETS TWO MORE VOTES, BERTILSON SAYS IT WAS INEVITABLE

About twelve minutes after the hour, Hunter-Taylor gained itself another two votes, brightening up Mr. Bertilson.

"I knew it would happen! Hunter-Taylor's got much more support than the few dozen minutes would have had us believe. I have little doubt we'll win!"

Mr. Bertilson's optimism and exuberance couldn't be missed. The Macbook was still undamaged, but the speed with which he ran around with it, jumping, occasionally, would worry anyone.

Stay tuned! We might have to finish up this commentary sometime for the day...I don't feel like doing this allll week long, for some reason.

*EDIT* GELENYSE-BERTILSON AND HUNTER-TAYLOR GAIN A VOTE EACH, COUNT IS 5, 1, 4! (GB, DD, HT)

!Noah!

GB HAS FOUR VOTES, DD AND HT STILL AT ONE!

Gelenyse-Bertilson's vote count increased by two minutes ago, making the total votes cast six. A detail to be remembered, though, is that this poll will be open for seven whole days, so hopefully everyone will have plenty of time to get the votes they need.

"It's just the primary, anyway. Two of the candidates will go on, and, no matter what, Denhoed's campaign still can't have more than five votes, let alone what it would take to defeat GB in the finals. His reasons for staying in the race are very hard to imagine," said Mr. Bertilson, having been mildly calmed by toast and some fried eggs.

Keep reloading this page! More news will be here soon!

!Noah!

GB PULLS AHEAD, BERTILSON NOT UNHEARTENED!

Around six thirty, Mr. Bertilson's repetetive reloading paid off. Gelenyse-Bertilson had another vote. Mr. Bertilson increased altitude rapidly, and landed on one of the desks. One could hardly blame him. He was in such a frightful way. He grasped the laptop with a grip that would be done injustice to be called merely iron, or even steel. In fact, one could reasonably say, at that time, that the MacBook Pro's aluminum casing was bending!

Mr. Bertilson sat back in the chair, and hunched up his shoulders, and reloaded the page another twenty times. Still no change.

We were honestly worried for his health, and checked the temperature of the room, just in case the cold might be the cause of his constant vibrations.

DON"T CLOSE THIS TAB! MORE COVERAGE AS THE ELECTION HAPPENS! CSAM, YOUR SOURCE FOR ALL NEWS ISLAS!

!Noah!

ELECTION STILL EVEN, ONE VOTE EACH, PARAMEDICS PREP TO TREAT MR. BERTILSON, IF NEED BE

Our regular commentator and general all-around mentor, Mr. Bertilson, had come to a state where we were somewhat worried for his sanity. His shakings and bouncings were enough to worry anyone. His obsessive reloadings of the election page might frighten Rambo.

"PEOPLE, VOTE," he suddenly bellowed, instigating chaos in the newsroom. Papers flew into the air from the noise, and several people blinked and swallowed some, to make sure their ears were still working.

After perhaps the ten thousandth reload, Mr. Bertilson put down the laptop not at all gently, and started pacing at an astounding rate. His face became fantastically pensive, and his features were wrinkled by the intensity of his thoughts. The laptop beeped, and he jumped the whole nine yards to the computer, whipped it up into his hands, and scowled. Still no more votes.

STAY TUNED! COVERAGE BY THE MINUTE! NEVER FEAR, CSAM IS HERE!

!Noah!

ISLAS ELECTION POLLS OPEN MINUTES AGO, HT AND GB GET FIRST VOTES!

No more than ten minutes ago, the Islas polls opened! There was originally some confusion about it, being that only Gelenyse-Bertilson and DenHoed-DenHoed showed up.

"I forgot to click Add Option after I had added ISLAS Republic," said Miss Hunter.

Our regular commentator, Noah Bertilson, then burst into the studio, yelled, "TIS THE SEASON TO BE MERRY," and grabbed the nearest laptop from an intern to watch the election.

As it started out, Denhoed-Denhoed and Hunter-Taylor took the lead with a vote each.

"We can hardly say that means GB has no chance, though," said Mr. Bertilson, wisdom flying from his mouth like a mountain spring spews fresh, cold water, "In truth, Gelenyse has truly put up a fight that makes this election one thing that might go either way, at this stage."

Just then, Mr. Bertilson's obsessive reloading revealed a vote for GB! Our intern was temporarily worried for the safety of his laptop, as Mr. Bertilson agitatedly bounced up and down and generally shook.

Tune not away! Updates will come as the votes come! CSAM, your source for the NEWS that makes ISLAS tick!

!Noah!

Gun Control

I thought all you happy people would SO love to see my recent issue paper on Gun Control...well, here it is.

Gun Control

Proposition

America's Founding Fathers understood the critcal importance of the right to keep and bear arms. Today, however, varying forces are attempting to eliminate this constitutional right. As a matter of constitutionalism and common sense, average law abiding citizens should be guaranteed their right to own firearms, but the government should have the right to require that they pass safety training.

There are mountains of evidence and reasons to oppose gun control--for starters, our founding fathers thought it right.  Because the law is a means by which government discourages and punishes law breakers and, since human nature hasn't changed for the more than two-hundred years since our country was founded, we can reasonably conclude that the second amendment applies no more firmly and truly now than it did then.

On the other hand, there have been studies that prove that guns in any hands when a crime is committed increase the chance of injury from a gun. While these studies can hardly be refuted, one can argue that it makes total sense and, in the end, is one of the worse reasons to advocate gun control. Quite simply, guns are dangerous. Wherever they are, greater danger is.

However, it has been proven in studies that not only do citizens with guns use them more frequently, but they use them more effectively and safely--than police! While about eleven percent of police shootings kill an innocent person, about two percent of shootings by citizens kill an innocent person. (1) By this reasoning, one would have a good reason not to increase the police force, but to allow greater freedom with guns, while still ensuring that guns bought legally don't get into the wrong hands.

Another common statement is that guns simply cause violence. However, according to FBI Uniform Crime Reports from 1991, states with loose gun control laws, such as Maine, South Dakota, North Dakota, Iowa, and Montana, the homicide rates are below three, compared to Washington DC, which has the strictest gun control laws of almost anywhere, where the rate was over 80, a rate of more than five times any other area in the entire country. (2)

Furthermore, proponents of gun control would have us believe that a homeowner is more likely--by a huge margin, 43 times--to kill a family member or be killed by a family member than they are to kill an intruder. (3) First, only one in a thousand defensive gun usages result in the intruder's death. Second, the originator of this fallacy, Dr. Kellerman himself, downgraded the rate to a tiny 2.7 times. (4) Third, Dr. Kellerman uses science in a way that could easily affirm that diet coke is the sole cause of obesity, merely because diet coke is consumed, more than frequently, by people who are obese. The connection between cause and effect has been broken, to say the least.

Dr. Kellerman's research and reputation would be further diminished, I think, if one were to hear this; that, when interviewed, Kellerman affirmed that, if his wife were attacked, he would want her to have a handgun for protection. While this could be seen as common sense, to anyone, Dr. Kellerman has distorted his research to such a degree that one would think he believed what he said. (5)

Some even propose that second amendment rights should be absolute, allowing, therefore, citizen ownership of anything from a hand pistol to a fully capable and loaded tank, to nuclear weapons. We can safely assume, I think, that the founders would have at least put heavier restrictions on weapons of such great size or power, a cannon being a reasonable example.

While the second amendment isn't absolute, it is no less applicable today than it was in 1776. We have numerous examples of people being gunned down by people who should never have had guns--Columbine, Virginia Tech--these are merely the most memorable examples of the effects of strict gun control. Without these laws, teachers, perhaps even college students would have guns, and could have ended these massacres before they began. The way it is now, one might be fined or incarcerated merely for doing so, depending on the state.

Currently, Minnesota allows possession of handguns, shotguns, and rifles. In the case of regular handguns, one must have a permit to purchase it, as well as a permit to carry it, concealed only, in public. Shotguns and rifles, on the other hand, do not require a permit to purchase, nor a permit to carry in public. To carry a concealed handgun, one must be 21, and have obtained a permit from a sheriff.

    [ 1 ] Kleck G. Point Blank: Guns and Violence in America. New York: Aldine de Gruyter. 1991. ||| Cramer C and Kopel D. "Shall Issue¾: The New Wave of Concealed Handgun  Permit Laws. Golden CO: Independence Institute Issue Paper. October 17,  1994.

    [ 2 ] Fingerhut LA, Ingram DD, Feldman JJ. "Firearm Homicide Among Black Teenage Males in Metropolitan Counties: Comparison of Death Rates in Two Periods, 1983 through 1985 and 1987 through 1989." JAMA. 1992; 267:3054-8.

    [ 3 ] Kellermann AL. and Reay DT. "Protection or Peril? An Analysis of Firearms-Related Deaths in the Home.¾ N Engl J. Med 1986. 314: 1557-60.

    [ 4 ] Kellermann AL, Rivara FP, Rushforth NB et al. "Gun ownership as a risk  factor for homicide in the home.¾ N Engl J Med. 1993; 329(15): 1084-91.. 

    [ 5 ] Japenga A. "Gun Crazy.¾ San Francisco Examiner. This World supplement.  April 3, 1994. p. 7-13 at 11. 

    [ 6 ] NRA/ILA Firearm Laws for Minnesota (as of July 2005) A synopsis of State Laws on Purchase, Possession, and Carrying of Firearms.

YES, I know there's an extra footnote. I was tired, ok?

!Noah!