In the year of our Lord 2018

I've been thinking for a while that I'd like to write a bit about what happened in 2018 in my life. I thought it would be helpful for me to have a bit of perspective on the things God's done in my life this past year. I'll start with something I've told a lot of people as a result of trying to pursue a few girls via dating apps and sites this past year.

One of the questions I'd ask these girls (obviously proud of my originality and depth) was, "What's something important you learned this past year?"

My answer (when they inevitably turned the question back to me) had a lot to do with me realizing that I wasn't to blame for everything that went wrong in my life. Relationships have pretty invariably not worked out, not started, not lasted, or just plain exploded for me, and not just outside of this past year.

Relationships, I don't know why 

They never work out and they make you cry 

But the guy that says goodbye to you 

Is out of his mind

-- Griffin House

In conjunction with the above realization, I've begrudgingly realized that I can take responsibility for these things I blame myself for, but without blaming myself for them once things go badly.

As a result, I spent a lot of time on what can only by unreasonable charity be called introspection, and which more honestly equates to emotional self-harm.

"I'm incapable of friendship."
...because I've long given up hope that I'll have friendships that last and plumb the depths that I truly yearn for.

"I'm not worth her."
...because I'm not sure whether she likes me.

"Why would anyone like me?"
You get the picture, and with any luck this will be relatable.

Relatable...I'd say that's another way I've grown this past year. I've realized that every assumption I make that I'm like or unlike the rest of humanity is too quick, too unlikely. There are a lot of ways I'm like the rest of humanity, and a lot that I'm unlike them, but making assumptions about those kinds of things made me impatient, callous, and thoughtless.

I believed toward the beginning of this year that I had committed an unforgivable offense; I don't say sin, because I couldn't easily pin down what exactly I'd done. It was a difficult relationship issue, exacerbated by history I didn't know and myself that I did.

But I was forgiven. For a few precious days, I knew with crystal clarity that God's forgiveness was greater than all my sin, and that no amount of my failure or insufficiency would be too much.

Perhaps forgetfulness is too much for God's grace.

Another epiphany I've had is that because my memory for God's work in my own life is so often forgotten, I should probably make use of the stories and memories that do stick, regardless of where they come from.

I guess I chose to limit my pool of evidence for God's love for me to the things he's done in my own life; and while those things are not insignificant, I'm well-equipped to forget them before God makes the effort to shake me by the shoulders and prove himself again. Oh, how blind, how forgetful am I.

I believe in 2018, I did learn to be a better friend. However, I learned it by pursuing a girl who ultimately didn't have any interest in me. I spent time and effort being there for her, caring about her struggles, praying for her daily, eating with her, being around her, being attentive and thoughtful.

I maintain that during this period of time, I grew more as a person (and was aware of that growth) more than I've ever grown before. I spent more time in God's word in 2018 than I had likely for the last ten years of my life.

And among the more impressive feats that I accomplished this past year, I maintained a good daily regimen and routine before, up to, and beyond the time she rejected me. This didn't strike me as impressive at the time; it took the perspective of a good friend to make me understand that I was feeling pain strong enough that getting out of bed was nothing short of Herculean.

Don't think I didn't know I was in pain; I knew. I was frustrated, confused, and above all, in agony. I recognize that comparing physical and emotional pain doesn't really make any sense, but I would say that despite breaking my femur about ten years ago, I've felt nothing more painful than what I felt being rejected this past year. I was in pain for months, and I likely spilt more tears in 2018 than I have in the last five or ten years combined as well.

Despite this, for several months following her rejection, I kept waking up early in the morning, exercising, cleaning my body, getting out the door and to work on time, somehow eating healthy at the same time, and much or all of that has been maintained, in some measure or another, to this day.

That isn't me; I can't even imagine taking credit for that. I was too blind to even realize how exceptional it was. Previous times in my life, I would have turned to my various addictions to allay my pain, but in this case, those turns were few and far between.

I'm writing this down in part because of what I mentioned earlier; I'm bad at remembering God's grace to me. And what I'm saying is, God has been abundantly graceful and generous and kind and has even given me insight into my own growth...at the same time.

I'm more confident than I've been before, despite a crucible of my own making (see what I mean about blaming myself?), more competent than I've ever been before, more capable than before.

God is good, and I mean not to forget it, if I can help it.

Obviously this isn't exhaustive, but it's a thousand words, so you're probably tired of this wilting word salad anyway.

I've been journaling a bit recently, and I think there may be days when you will see my journal, and other days when I'll write separately from my journal, but I hope to continue the cogitation; I hope you'll continue reading.


!Noah!