In Which I Pretend to Know a Darn Thing(s)

Hey. Let me tell you a story.

...

No. Actually, let me tell you a story.

Which sounds like the same thing (no, it doesn't sound like anything, unless you happen to be reading this aloud, which would be a bit like me reading food aloud without eating it! It never happens!), really, but you can see what I mean.

Now, if you ever saw a guy, you probably know he's either a weird dork, a hot stack of stacky hottitude, or a dorky weirdo. Alternatively, he can be an iguana, but that's rare, a bit like me reading food. But I digress.

A guy! Yeah, that thing. Anywho, you've probably met one, and, depending on who you are, what you've eaten for breakfast (very important), and if you've ever met a tortilla unwilling to commit suicide, you've got a deal! Wait, what?

Yeah, a deal. (sorry, alter egos just budge in wherever they want.)

Budge!

YEAH BUDGE. Anyway, they budge in. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right! Dudes! Guys! Fellas! Lads! Corking chaps! Fab footrests! I have no idea where that came from!

Guys! You know the type! Typically short-haired, two-legged and armed, not with arms, but arms, goshdarnitall! Bros! Pork chops!

Yeah, so dudes.

I'm kinda rambling here. But I'm getting there, I promise!

So guys. Yeah. We're everywhere! We're in your houses! Stealing your coasters up! 'Cause everyone knows there's no better way to...well, coast. Or be a coast. Coasters are pretty powerful toast, if you get down to the etchy-sketchy of it. They've got all the beverages! Your shakes ain't got nothin' on the fluids these babies hold on a daily basis without parental (or other) consent! Vodka? GOT IT! Chocolate milk? THEY"VE GOT YOU COVERED! WATER? DON"T MAKE ME LAUGH!

Wow, I got distracted there.

Ok, guys! Yeah! Guys! Ever met one? They can be weird, odd, strange, or even BAD! A lot like *quick Wikipedia abbreviation check* that one Russian armored car thing! Yeah! Dangerous, liable to drive right over you, tires and all! It's like it almost doesn't care, or has a chip on its shoulder! Actually, the BAD-2 doesn't really have a shoulder. Maybe it'll be in the movie. OR THE INTERSTATE HIGHWAY VERSION! *WINK*

So it's been a while since I wrote. Well, not really. But I mean wrote! Like the Ejyptians seemed to do so much. Y'know, with those guys just freaking out with their hands and stuff. I haven't really looked at much Ejyptian art, but GOSH TAHT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE EGYPTIAN.

Oh.

G.

*facepalm*

AAAAANYWAY!.

See, I don't write like this often! Just rambling, caring not, and twisting the proverbial fabric of life to squeeze all the slightly more understandable now that I've introduced an analogy drops of life. Gosh, run-on sentences. Self-commentary for the win! OH GOSH NOAH DON"T DO THAT!

HAH YOU CAN"T STOP ME!

Wow, I feel like a dork. That's pretty much...who...I...am...

*sobs into hanky*

I FOUND MYSELF! Oh, wait, I'm just sitting here. Can't have just found myself. That's unlikely.

Well. Anyway. It seems the stuff is happening in the place that's around me. OH OH OH! I'm getting a thing in the mail! I'm being ambiguous because if I outright told you, you'd just 1. Not understand. 2. Shake your head, trying to get the techno-jargon out one or the other of your ears, and 3. Proceed to either (stupid) GO AWAY or (SMART) STAY.

Wo, I'm being all kinds of freakish imposing and stuff.

Y'know, I really like it when she likes to see me. Sorry if I sprung that on you like a slinky on a sloth, but the perennial conversation of my life is whatever grill I happen to be obsessing about at the time, and what the heck just happened. Yeah. I just misspelled girl egregiously. And spelled egregiously right, without using a dictionary, Google, OR spell check! How's that? How 'bout them apples? (apparently spellcheck doesn't think spellcheck is correct. On the other hand, spell check, in fact, IS.)

Yeah, this is probably the longest post I've written this year. DON"T QUOTE ME ON THAT!

"Yeah, this is probably the longest post I've written this year." -- Noah

...

DANG.

Well, people. The thing in the mail? It'll help things. Maybe! I mean, there's another thing that might help as well, but, gosh, this might cook the beans! Or the...IRON ORE.

OR WHAT, YOU SAY? This post is not yet available in podcast format, so you couldn't possibly have mistaken ore for or. Gotcha?

Well, I did, so that's how that happened.

But you know this girl? OH! RIGHT. I think she likes me. It's weird, 'cause she kinda sorta...

1. Kissed another guy.
2. Took a picture while doing so.
3. Posted said picture on Facebook.

HEY, IF YOU"RE READING THIS, YOU, OR YOU, I"M SORRY, BUT I"M A PROBLEMATIC PRAWN! IF YOU DIDN"T WANT TO BE THE SUBJECT OF A RAMBLY BLOG POST BY THE WORLD"S LEAST WELL-KNOWN AUTHOR, THEN YOU SHOULDN"T HAVE POSTED IT ON FACEBOOK! OR TAKEN IT! OR KISSED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. OF GOLD!

Well, actually, while gold is pretty palpable, it would probably make for a pretty sweet six-pack. No fat on the top, either.

AND THIS IS WHERE YOU HEARD IT FIRST!

In another five decades, they'll somehow synthetically create gold and offer Gold-Chestification for exorbitant prices.

So, yeah. That's how I started licking rocks.

Oh, wait. Did I skip the part about being raised by deer? Or deers? I think there were enough of them to warrant a grammatically-incorrect plural.

TAKE THAT, ENGLISH LANGUAGE!

On a side note, completely unrelated, and, might I say...

Ok, I won't.


!Noah!