I Want to be Proud of my Heart

Ok, so, most of you probably know I'm a hopeless romantic. Or something like that. The deal is basically that I spend very few days of my life not pining after one girl or another, usually sequentially, occasionally simultaneously. Yeah, weird, I know, but that's sort of me in one word, once you really get to know me. Or it could be that other one, but that's not for me to say.

Anyway. That's kinda how I've lived all my life. I may not have been obsessing over girls at age five or eight or twelve or anything, but since probably fourteen, that's been the story.

And, honestly, it hasn't changed since then. Which I guess I sort of implied in my previous statement, but I digress.

As long as I can really remember, that's been my big deal. My greatest want, desire, hope, dream. And I think I may have found another piece of the puzzle.

To explain the vague picture I've got so far, I'll start with what I've already figured out, within a reasonable margin of certainty. Or something.

First, I really want companionship. I always have. My siblings have interchangeably been fabulous and awful, but it's not about them, it's about me. Which sounds selfish, but that's the way it is. It's not that I'm the only thing that matters, or that I don't see their problems and want them to improve, it's that I see mine a thousand times clearer.

Or so I hope.

Second, I want said companionship to be lasting. I'd like to say I want it to be infinite or eternal, but that's not possible in the way that I want. Grrr. I hate saying I want things, but I think this self-exploration is helpful. Thus, I want it to last. I want someone who'll be willing to listen to extremely long-winded moments, wherein I babble mindlessly for hours, and times when I don't feel like talking at all. And that turns out to be a lot of the time, actually. It's not that I'm regularly unhappy or reclusive, but I really like to observe and to think. Occasionally this thought is accompanied by pacing, sometimes by sitting, sometimes by stationary standing. Not always do I want to be alone, but there are times like that as well.

Third, and perhaps most potent, has been my desire for the intimacy that comes with a best friend/lover/spouse relationship. And, yeah, I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm not married, and, besides my parents, I don't know people very well who are married. And, if you've ever had parents (perhaps not, for some), you'll understand that I could be one of the worst people to judge my parents, while simultaneously being one of the best to judge them.

So I want to get hitched, basically. I can't really remember a day when I didn't, which is sort of weird. I don't know if I've ever had the sort of young boy grossed out at married couples kissing or being together or loving each other or anything like that. But my memory is rather horrible for the far past.

I realize that not only isn't marriage the one-step fix for every problem I've got in my life, but also that it'll more likely solve few of my current problems and create for me a dozen or so more. I've found that, in life, the quick, easy fixes are the ones that aren't good in the long run.

Which, somehow or other, is no comment against marriage in general. Marriage as God intended is a fabulous, wonderful expression of God's love, both as metaphor and literally.

Now, let's get current. I was thinking about this and completely forgot what I was talking about, 'cause I wrote a dozen paragraphs nearly unrelated...gimme a second.

Oh, snort. Another point. I've always wanted a constant companion, someone who'll listen all the time, any time, who's kind, gentle, honest, patient. All the good stuff. And naturally there's Jesus. God. And I keep thinking to myself...how exactly is God supposed to be far, far, far more than enough for me, and I simultaneously desire, from the bottom of my heart (heck, from the top and sides as well) that I have a spouse, someone on this earth who's got similar qualities while still human and flawed.

I think this is the crux of my problem. I don't know how to put this deepest desire of my heart in its right place. And I've prayed, believe me. I realize that, somehow, I'm supposed to put God first in everything, especially in those things I feel most strongly about.

And, God, I feel strongly about Girl X.

(I've never been completely clear on when using God's name is in vain, and not in vain. Flaw 2.)

So what can I do? I feel like there are many easy ways out of this, and I've taken a number of them before. I've always been partial to the Tell All and Hope For the Best approach, but, honestly, it's failed me twice in the past.

And I guess there's always the problem that I feel deeply insufficient. I always compare my talents, skills, interests, and intellect to those of Girl X, but there's more to it than that, I think. That's just me feeling insecure and losing perspective like an overfilled tortilla drools salsa. That doesn't help.

But there's also the fact that I don't have more than Benjamin's two cheeks to rub together.

So. I'm insufficient, insecure, have my heart set on the wrong things, don't put God first in everything, and on top of it all, I'm still getting over that sort of shy phase. Or maybe I'm just quiet like that. I always feel like I don't speak enough, laugh enough, or answer loud enough. But that's another topic.

Ah, yes. I want to be proud of my heart.

You see, were I to alphabetize the Girls that have, whether sequentially or simultaneously, occupied my heart, I would be probably half through the alphabet by now. Which bodes horribly if I actually get to Girl X before I find the one.

You see, it's shameful to me that I'm so fickle in my desire. I want to love constantly and really and actually and truly and fully. And being an all-or-nothing kind of guy, either I didn't actually love Girls A through H (or whichever I'm currently on...you can only imagine how I'd hate to keep track), or I don't love Girl X (X being current), because I've really felt this strongly about girls before today. I have. I've known girls better than Girl X (wayyyy better), I've been closer to girls before today. (somehow, though, I've managed to completely avoid ever actually having a girlfriend)

So I love and hope and dream and then pow, it's gone with one more beautiful face, wonderful person. Was that real? If it was, how can this be? If it wasn't, how can't this be?

And I haven't said this much. It takes a lot of time for me to figure me out, and I sorta just realize that the reason I'm ashamed about this sequence of potential partners is because I want to be proud of my heart.

I want to be proud of my heart.

And that makes sense. God made my heart, and my heart was made to constantly, absolutely, unreservedly love him. And I'm extremely bad at that.

But that brings me back to my biggest problem. Idolizing an idealized relationship rather than worshiping and serving God through everything I do.

My heart is hard.

This is going to be harder.

(I'd really appreciate prayer at this point. Thanks.)


!Noah!

Aye

So I be in Missouri. With a ton of awesomesauce peoples. They're currently playing a video game. Er, no, I mean card game. Heheheheh. But anyway.

I arrived a couple days ago and things have been pretty much uphill from there. I'm no recovered sinner or fixed fool or whatever, but I'm learning and changing a bit here and a bit there.

Hmmm. I felt like talking a lot more, somehow, before I went and read a few dozen pages of Dear Blank Please Blank, Taste of Awesome, and I Waste So Much Time.

Buuut, I think I can still do it. Here's the deal. Not a big deal, but a change in my understanding of the world, I guess. On the topic of hate.

Yeah. Nice way to introduce something, eh. I'm a genius that way. Regardless, it happens that I chatted rather lengthily with Chad (campus minister at the University of Minnesota). Things happened in that time that might not have happened otherwise. I postulated and spoke and conjectured and guessed, and we got somewhere.

Here are a few of the things we came up with:

First, hate isn't really absolute. That is, hate isn't a yes or no. It's not on or off, it's not yes for one thing and no for another. The current culture's view of hate can be described that way, though. Hate as Jesus uses the word isn't exactly the same. It's comparative, but so much more meaningful. When Jesus says hate (I'm specifically thinking of the instance with his mother/sister/brothers thing. You know the one. Or don't.), he means that by comparison to those he'd come to give his life for, his family could only be considered an afterthought.

It's hard to really get, I think, but it's a way of understanding it, I guess, given our rather limited knowledge and understanding of everything. Jesus helps us understand things through parables, for instance, and when he uses the word hate, I guess it could be called hyperbole. He's saying it larger than life, bigger than it really is, but, at the same time, and very importantly, absolutely truly. God never lies and if we listen to his word and separate it from our selfish, sinful understanding of the world, we will truly understand the things God wants us to, if not now, then soon, if not soon, then later.

The same really applies to love, except the opposite way. True love is absolutely unselfish. No part of true love can benefit the lover because that's what love is - self-sacrificial. Moreover, love isn't true unless it is, indeed, sacrificial. If a billionaire gives away a million dollars, it's no big deal. He/she's got tons of dough left. If, however, the same billionaire were to give away everything they owned, reducing their net worth to zero, they would be loveing (this, of course, assuming they directed the said funds in a manner that both didn't benefit them, but did benefit others.

Also, it's important to note that, in some degree, every human being on the planet does hate everything and everybody else in the world. This is a very wide-reaching and absolutist statement, but, again, hate by definition doesn't have to be absolute in degree, but merely in...er...what do you call it. Preference? The direction in which the hate is directed. It's universal.

In an opposing manner, love is UN-universal, except for Jesus'. When we love someone, even when we give our lives for them, there is something in it for us, and that's what makes our love...insufficient, I guess you could say. Regardless of how hard we try (and perhaps because of how hard we try, actually), we can never love selflessly and utterly self-sacrificially. Only Jesus can do that.

So I guess when Jesus says we must hate our family (mother, brothers, etc), we're called instead to love others without prejudice or restraint, specifically in the instances when we can't get anything at all in return.

Which never really happens. At the very least, we feel good about ourselves and what we've done when we've loved someone.

Wow, that makes me feel sorry for Jesus.

I guess I'll sleepinate this computer before it dies and Gabriel consequently kills me.

G'night, weirdos.


!Noah!

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF LILLIAN NICOLE TAYLOR

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF LILLIAN ██████ ██████  
(Or Lilly, depending if you were awesome or not.)

BY NOAH BERTILSON

LILLY

To many, the name would probably be spelt with one L. Or two, depending if you only count adjacents or not. For these select few, Lilly would most likely perceive your faulty use of Ls and chuck a toad at you. Regardless, this is her story.

ALIVE

Lilly was born somewhere or other in the world, and probably had sushi by her third minute of life. Her parents were not convicted of negligent babyslaughter because she failed to die for nearly seventeen years. (also, being completely awesome helped them a lot)

LIFE

Lilly grew up with her parents and at least two sisters. Could be three. Maybe more, if dudes were to be included. But I don't think they were. Or existed ever. I shall return to the point, though.

Lilly grew up on a farm in the middle of the Sahara with her sisters and parents, but things weren't cool enough there.

...

*blinks at previous sentence repeatedly*

Therefore, by the age of four, Lilly moved to one of the polar ice caps. It's always been unclear because, at the age of three, Lilly turned invisible. If anyone's seen a grave around, therefore, labelled Lillian ██████, it's because at the age of three, she was pronounced missing in action, having promised to demonstrate her world-renowned acrobatic abilities to the local toddler population. (the toddler population of the Sahara was sorely lacking)

She remained at whichever ice cap it happened to be until she turned fifteen. Or whenever it was that she finally appeared in the Land of the Living, California. She then attended a conference of peculiar people with her constant companion, Precious Technology. Things were pretty harsh around there, so her protective nature came in handy. You know. With all those wild humans and all.

Regardless, in those days of madness and folly, she met a ton of people, who instantly saw the resemblance and named her Granite. Some were more reluctant and attempted to achieve a good photograph of her. But this story is about a girl, not a weirdo with a camera and no sense of personal space.

Lilly went home to her parents, who'd oddly enough moved to this strange place in Asgard called Lodi, which Loki had somehow misspelt in the euphoria after having seizing the town. Here she did awesome things with her friends and siblings for a while. (this part of her history is shrouded in mist and fog and even smog, on Wed...er, Thursdays, so I'll move on) Lilly frequently went on rather fantabulous motorcycle rides with her father, Archibald.

Lilly's later life is plagued with paper clips and actually a lot of pop-tarts, if you look closely enough, but, without a doubt, she made a dent in the proverbial gong of life.

DEATH

It was a sunny day at her home in the Mojave Desert, sitting silently on her rickety rocking chair on her also rickety porch. The sun beat down and Lilly's pet tortellini dangled happily in the wind. The scene was peaceful. But it was all a lie! The sushi she'd eaten many decades before was waging its final, great war against Lilly, and, after defeating her asophegus, mauling her appendix and applying the theory of relativity to her tonsils, it made its way to her heart!

Things were looking grim for Lilly, but, being elderly and toothless and all, she offered her faithful tortellini the chance to defeat the foul sushi. She swallowed her tortellini after a heartfelt goodbye, and it went to work.

The tortellini went after the sushi, zooming, running, bopping! It followed the sushi, 'til at last they met at the great gates of Lilly's heart. The tortellini was a worthy foe, and fought well and hard, but in the end, the sushi's pure young rawness defeated the pasta's rather elderly cooked nature, and it forced its way into her heart, and caused great mayhem therein.

Lilly burped, and moments later greeted Peter.

DEAD

Lilly was one hundred and four, and was missed by the whole human race, except for Joe Shmoe.

He didn't care.


!Noah!

the City on a Forest

Being that I've had a T2i for a while now (on loan from NatCam), it seemed about time I made myself some sort of video. This is a timelapse I created while building a city/towers on top of a "forest".

This is far more exceptional because of how much effort I put into it post-production than how much trouble it took to set up the building and record the pictures and video. I accomplished a lot in Blender tonight, figuring things out that I didn't know before, and using them as they should be. Thus, we have this.

Enjoy!




!Noah!

Heroes

‎"If today we lay the fault for lives lost on heroes, perhaps tomorrow heroes will no longer take up the mantle and the burden of saving lives, and will no longer hold back the lifelong tide of the dead." 

~ Swishkin

Peponi

(For those of you wondering what the heck this is, this is the second part. The first part is available as requested, but, be warned, it's the longest, most rambly, inconsistent, terrific, incredible, horrendous mess of words I've ever read. And I didn't write it. If you still want to read the first part of this story, just ask and I'll find some way to get the monstrosity to you.)

Peponi

one
After the Storm

A long time ago, when huge gigantic wars were going on, and great evils were being scrunched to death, and when tortillas were still inclined to go skydiving, there were companions. Primarily, though, this story and the ones before it pertain to a girl by the name of Susie. Occasionally people were unsure of the spelling of her name, occasionally she was shot with darts, and occasionally she shot darts herself. Most of the time, though, she was confused.

No more. Susie had friends. There was Walter, who she had this thing for, and who, no less, had this thing for her. Yes. Things were had, back then.

There were Ashley, and Clefspeare, Tux and William and Bonnie. But they were all gone.

In the literal sense, Susie was sitting in a pile of dust. Well, no, it was actually sand. And it wasn’t so much a pile as, well, a desert. She was feeling pretty bad. Her lips had gone dry about six hours ago, and time progressing thusfar in such a was as not to end her life was nothing but a miracle. Anyway, she was really thirsty.

Queue beginning of absurdly long description of the local landscape.

Susie sat in a dune several feet taller than almost every other one for miles around. For miles and miles around, there was nothing but sand. There was yellow sand, orange sand, red sand, and there was white sand. In the distance, if one were dehydrated and malnourished, one might even make out blue sand, but that obviously couldn’t be anything but a mirage.

There were several boulders smattered in Susie’s broader vicinity. One of them happened to be shadowing her, oddly enough.

…

I say oddly enough simply because it was high noon. The sun was directly above her. Nevertheless, she was comparatively cool.

Which honestly goes without saying. If you weren’t aware, she’s got the nerve of twelve lions, and the backbone of an overdried tortilla.

Queue end of absurdly long description of the situation in general.

A spider walked up to her and insisted on occupying her knee.

She raised an eyebrow at it and shrugged. It’d been a while since she’d cared if she lived or died. She remembered the good times. Fighting monsters and conquering evils and whatnot. It had been fun. Moreover, there had been Walter. She loved the way he’d been surprised when she nearly crushed the life out of him after all that craziness. She loved the way his hair rarely smelled of dead fish, and she really didn’t mind it when he kissed her.

She started crying.

They were all gone. It seemed impossible that they could be alive. How could they have survived?


two
Windy

Moments after the companions had received their gifts from the White One, they had all sat around for a half minute staring blankly into the surrounding horizon and every one of them failing in every way to think of something to say.

Eventually, though, Walter wacked himself on the head and stood up. It took him some time to figure out what to do after that, but he guided his belt through the loops in his jeans. He sheathed Excalibur and proceeded to look like he had some idea what should be done.

Consequently, the fellowship turned their eyes to him, attentive and willing.

“Um,” he said, looking rather nervous all of a sudden. Suddenly, though, it was clear to him. The path ahead was laid out before him like a very-advanced holographic heads-up-display, but with less expanded abbreviations and less tech involved. Pretty much a gut feeling. It was like his heart could see the yellow brick road even though his eyes couldn’t.

“Come one, people, we haven’t got all day!” he said jovially.

And with that, he led them all into a sandstorm. He wasn’t exactly sure at what point it went from a greened rocky crag to a maelstrom of a desert, but at some point, it did. The company was divided thus: Bonnie found herself with Walter, William with Tux, Clefspeare with Ashley.
Susie, though, found herself alone. And, being the main character of an absurdly long story, she was spending some time feeling sorry for herself. Naturally, crying and not doing anything useful in the desert, she...

“Wanna play darts?” said a tall man with far too much facial hair and a wicked grin on his face.

!Noah!

New Year, stuff and things

Well, it's a new year. I guess that's alright. I haven't written any resolutions. I can't say my life's better yet for having an extra couple years on this decade. Anyway.

Hmmm. What to say. I might be getting a new camera and/or taking some photography classes soon. This primarily depends on my parents, which I'll be grateful for when I see it. Not that I don't appreciate their apparent willingness now, but it's a pretty big thing. I can't wait to go to NatCam to test out all the options.

Still cleaning the house. Unfortunately, I'm not taking much part in it anymore. I probably should. But on the other hand, I want to continue Taekwondo. Preferably more than before. Especially since spring might potentially be around the corner, but actually regardless.

The madhouse that is my mind? For the moment, things are moderately calm. I haven't really talked to a friend in a while, and I feel like I'm getting used to it. That's a bad thing? I'm pretty sure it is in the long run, but for now, I can imagine it being a good thing. Then again, my imagination...

Trying to find a film developer for the cartridge that came with the Olympus film camera. I took a dozen or so pictures...it's odd, though. It says it's a 24-shot one. I guess my confusion is a given, given the fact I've never really used a film camera before. (actually, I have, but it was in Colorado. Like twelve years ago. Disposable. Yes.)

Girl X is still on the lam. Question is, do I forget her as I've always thought of her (potentially meaning the abrupt and unstoppable return of affection just as she returns), or should I let absence do what it does?

...

Even more important, even if I could make my bloody mind up, would I be able to act accordingly?


!Noah!

Words

I freaking love words.

Juxtaposition, quazar, quixotic, pathetic.

Whatever.

Words are too cheap.

Distrobution is in the hands of all, the work of a second.

Words should be precious.


!Noah!