On Finding Love

Myself and doubtless other foolish Christians have probably wondered time and time again, throughout history, "Will I ever find someone I love as much as her/him?"

Short answer is it doesn't matter. That's heartless and doubtless makes everyone want to leave, but it's O.K. The door's somewhere between Ctrl and W.

Anyway, let's get down to it. So what I mean is this; if you love God, it'll ALWAYS be O.K. Got it? God loves you. Jesus loves you. The Holy Spirit actively, really, functionally helps you through life.

This isn't just about how things are going to be okay or anything like that, though. It's also about how, because God constantly, completely, unreservedly loves you, you can be confident that, as his love grows in you, you will be forced by the grace and love and his forgiveness of your sins to show that love forth.

And you know what, it'll be glorious. Amazing. Spectacular. Unimaginable.

Often, I find myself wondering if God's love could be sufficient, as, after all, falling in love with a girl is really, really amazing. Right up until she says no and over the course of the next six months you're forced to accept that you're still on your own...with the God of the universe.

I've also taken some comfort knowing that she'll be there praising God for eternity. It's like, hey, girl, I'd really like to go out with you, but if not, that's okay.

I'm gonna spend eternity with you praising God. Now works. Tomorrow works. Next year works. But if all I see of you is you glorifying God 'til and then past the end of time, so be it.

But back to my point. God loves you, and because of that, you love people more. Right now is never as good a time to fall in love as tomorrow when you've got God unreservedly loving you for the rest of time, and then throughout eternity. Tomorrow is okay. I will know more fully God's love, and my love because of that knowledge will be greater for whoever I find then.

He loves you today, and he'll continue loving you tomorrow. He'll love you 'til the day you die.

It took plenty of grace and love to realize this, but it WILL be okay if I fall in love/get married in my late twenties. In my thirties. In my forties. In my fifties. In my sixties. In my seventies. In my eighties. In my nineties. In my hundreds. I guess I can settle for that many years.

Trust God. He's busy living out the greatest love story ever written, and you're worried that tomorrow you'll not have a date. He's so in love with you that he wants to spend eternity with you; how could you imagine that, if a relationship was actually good for you, he would keep true love from you?

I hope that made sense; these sorts of things I primarily write out for my own sake, but if this helps you, eat up.


!Noah!

To God:

I am tired. Exhausted. My energy is expended, my heart hopes and dreams, yet beats without rhythm. For God's glory would I toil, but instead my heart is divided, and indecisive, hoping for lesser wonders, for smaller glories.

I don't really know what to say. I'm so, so fatigued, weary, and broken. I could claim that my work situation provided sufficient work and stress to cause my current distress, but that would be half the truth, at best. I am beset with desire, I am continually diverted by longing, and my heart is in no way purposed or directed for anything. I am a lost sheep with muddied fleece and confounded mind. I am lost and confused, I am fickle and in mere breezes do my blades sway and rock. I turn one way and another, only to find further confusion and longing.

To say this, does it make me weak?

I think not; the condition of a Christian is one of weakness, one of being continually lost and repeatedly found again. It is one of constant improvement, but it is also one of a great abyss, whose depths are unexplored and unknown by us, which houses the greatest of rottenness and the foulest of diseases. Our lives consist of continually falling through said chasms, seeing further and further evidence of the darkness inside our own hearts...

...but simultaneously we fly upward through the darkness toward unimaginable light. We careen like the foolish lemmings we so often are toward such beauty, majesty and glory that our condition can be none but that of immense and spectacularly serendipitous and fortuitous condescension. We are hunted by the knight of light, the desire of our wayward hearts, though we know him not, and run, terrified like deer of the hunter.

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!

In this terrible, wonderful journey I find myself. When in my flight from God I remember him, my tears come and of two minds, two hearts, divided by the waves of the sea and the gusts of the air...

I am split.

Lord, find me near your heart, and saturate, fill, drown my heart in your love. All else is secondary, tertiary, even nil. Renew my heart and mind, and send it as you will, without hesitation or division. Let it be your vessel and your vehicle, a great red flying, swimming ice cream truck of love, following the fault lines of your heart tirelessly to the end of time, through the rivers of truth and beauty, glorious for the destination it will one day find. Spare no expense to love me to my knees, to grace my feet to the velocity of your desire, to forgive me with less hesitation than I so continually turn away from you...

In all things, Lord, let my life dance to the rhythm of your heartbeat, my feet run barefoot on the footpaths of your love, my heart and head hand in hand fight the lies, desires, and folly that keep me from you.

In this unending ocean let me bathe forever in your love, and swim, continually exhausted and driven by the power and magnitude of your grace, bombarded without end by the typhoon of your mercy.

And for goodness' sake forgive me for my foolish pride in the words you give me to speak back to you. They are yours and they are yours. I but speak the love that you have caused me to tread in for all these years.

One day I will write you an unending love song. One day I will sing to you in fullness, and in your spectacular radiance and the perfection bought with such unknowably precious blood, my voice will falter not for a thousand and one years.

xoxo


!Noah!

The Winter Soldier is a Christian Movie

Don't even try to question it. It's true. Let me explain.

So in recent TV and movie trends, one thing has been fairly common. People are bad! At least they will be at some point in the future, right? They'll kill someone, steal something, bully someone. Yeah. Person of Interest...I'm trying to think of more examples, but I'll leave that up to you. Think of a movie or TV show where the plot involves some government entity or rogue group who believes that humanity as a whole, or part of humanity (HEY DREDD) ought to be stopped, incarcerated, or, far more likely, executed pre-crime. (oh hey Minority Report)

Got something in mind? Well, guess what, The Winter Soldier is the same way. Oh, and spoilers. I'm sorry if you haven't seen this and thusly discerned the general plot, but I've gotta say this.

Now these plots usually involve these entities, groups, or even the government, which believe that they should stop people from being bad, and in the case of The Winter Soldier, Hydra (under the guise of S.H.I.E.L.D) sets up plans to kick the proverbial buckets of about twenty million people so the world will be safe.

The plot-hole shotgun in me points out that these people have families and loved ones of other sorts who, upon the death of a family member or friend, would suddenly have a mountain of anger and nowhere to point it.

Hey look! Hydra!

So what? They kill another hundred million, say, and problem solved.

Except this escalation simply results in the entire elimination of the human race. Heck, the Strike agents in the helicarriers would eventually turn on each other.

Sorry, I'm getting a little off track, but this particular watching of this particular movie leaves me with enough nervous energy to type this out on a keyboard I'm not used to on my phone. (ooh technology booyah)

Ok, so The Winter Soldier is a Christian movie.

Right? So the plot of the movie is that Hydra is going to kill  bad people so they don't be bad. Their lack of forethought proves they don't know what they're doing, but actually their actions are characteristic of the Obama administration, if I can say so.

Sure, the administration isn't planning to kill anyone before they commit murder or anything, but the ultimate purpose of such ubiquitous surveillance is to keep people safe. Logically, if such surveillance could prevent a murder or burglary, the government would take action.

And it's inefficient, ineffective, and extremely expensive to arrest and subsequently incarcerate said evildoers.

So what do you do? Put a bullet  in their head, send their family a note explaining the situation along with the body, and move on to the next target.

Now how unrealistic is it for this to come to pass? How far off is this? I personally think the the direction we're heading has the potential for this kind of reality, but that's another gigantic tangent I don't intend to articulate right now.

Again, I repeat, Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier, is a Christian movie.

Remember back in the garden, when Adam and Eve decided to give God the proverbial finger by eating an apple he told them specifically not to eat? This, by the way, in a garden filled with fruit, which, by the way, God gave Adam and Eve to eat, freely.

(it strikes me as ironic that one of the most easy ways to express a complete disregard for everything is to eat an apple.)

But let's get back to the point. So Adam and Eve disobeyed God, right? He was obviously obligated to give them (and us by extension) a second chance.

Heck freaking no. God had every reason to just nix the little blighters, trash the project, and enjoy life as a perfect, whole, complete, holy, wonderful person. All on his own. Without any need for company or anything.

But instead, he decided he'd give us a second chance (and by the way, if you think that's the last second chance he gave them, or that he hasn't continued giving out second chances like they were nothing, um, no).

He gave us a second chance we definitely didn't deserve, and you know what? Hydra didn't. Hydra tried instead to kill a few of us with the expectation that that would make the world good. Again, they obviously lack foresight...

...or should I say insight...

But yeah. Hydra was trying to kill bad people. People who would become murderers, robbers, muggers, petty thieves, rapists, traitors...the lot. That's good, right? Let's kill some bad people before they be bad! That'll help!

I figure there's a lot to be explored and thought about when it comes to that specific concept, but it strikes me as ironic that the very thing God gave us so that we could love really, truly, actually, is the very thing these plots suggest we take away from ourselves to cure the world of evil: free will.

It's not as elegant a solution as perhaps mind control or something, but killing people prevents them from making their own decisions and having their own opinions, etc.

It prevents them from having free will.

Now, remember, God specifically gave us free will so that we could choose to do the right thing, so we could choose to love him, and so that we could choose to love our neighbor (which are kinda all the same thing, if you think about it. I just repeated myself to make a point).

So suppose Hydra had succeeded. Those people wouldn't have their free will anymore. Sure, there's a lot more that they wouldn't have, but that's not really the point.

If Hydra had an option to steal people's free will and leave their lives (in whatever sense would be left at that point), I think they would have. They have a complete lack of foresight, but they might be able to see the advantage to some sort of mind control over simply eliminating the human race.

I'm getting there, I promise! Ok, so Hydra wanted to take away their free will (ultimately, that was their purpose), and to do so they decided to kill everyone who was going to be bad.

Also remember that God specifically did the opposite of this at the very first opportunity. God gave us a second chance the first time we blew it. He continued this until this moment in time, and I have faith he'll continue as the sacrifice of Jesus is more than sufficient for the sins of everyone.

But there it is! See? Jesus is the second chance we've been given, and Hydra's whole purpose was to say, yeah, you guys don't seem like good people. Have a bullet.

Jesus, on the other hand, says, you know, you guys messed up pretty bad, but because I love you, I will willingly die in your place, and thus you will live in eternity with me and my dad.

Now, what is Captain America fighting for during the entire movie? Well, there's tons of plot and lots of action and filler to confuse you, but part of what he's fighting for is the right of those twenty million to make the decision between good and evil.

And that is some powerful stuff. Seriously. A man who will defend another person's right to do the right thing? Old hat. Everyone does that.

A man, however, who will fight off diabolical maniacs and shortsighted half-Nazi blockheads just so you can decide whether or not you want to steal, murder, or rape someone?

That's just freaking crazy level good-doing.

It blows my mind.

And guess what. God came down and died on the cross so that YOU could decide if you want to steal that thing, hate that person, kill someone, rape that woman...or to love people, friend or foe, be honest, to defend the innocent, to further spread the infinite love of Jesus because there are people out there who are thinking about killing, raping, and stealing.

God's own son died just so you can have that choice between good and evil.

And that, my friends, boggles my mind.

I'd Like you To Know...

This is a bit of information/background for those of you who don't know.

So here are yesterday's developments.

Manager at Annie's Parlor will be giving his supervisor a full recommendation for me and assured me that when they begin ramping up their staff for the patio season, I'd be at the top of the list. (gives me goosebumps to be validated that much)

My general manager at McDonalds, literally fifteen minutes later, after a short conversation, asks me if I want to join the management team there.

Bullet points one and two cause me to pause and thank God for his goodness and grace. I definitely don't deserve this, and it's really incredible to finally have to choose between eager parties rather than be eager to have a party to choose.

Wow. Just wow. The manager at Annie's in particular sort of wowed me. While I did sort of impress with a good suit and tie and greatcoat fashion as some will know me for, I can't really think what else I did that would make him that impressed with me. I'm downright curious. XD

My general manager at McDonalds, on the other hand...there's a similar sort of mild confusion going on; I don't necessarily know why they want me to be a manager; I can't see myself easily becoming a great manager, and I don't think I see a ton of great manager potential in my current work. Maybe I'm a bit blindsided or whatever. I might not personally be seeing the whole picture, or understanding everything.

To make a good day better, I spent a mere 15-30 minutes at the DMV getting my license renewed. Hardly any line.

It was also snowing, so I managed to get my greatcoat rather white-looking walking between bus stops on the way home.

Thank you Lord.

My decision is leaning toward staying at McDonalds and receiving what seems to be nearly legendary training in management. It seems to me an excellent opportunity, and management training from almost anyone else would probably be simply ignored on a resume. On the other hand, Annie's is like one of my favorite places on Earth.

Maybe next year. *shivers*

Thanks for all your prayers and stuff, guys. I appreciate it.


!Noah!

Word and Heart

He saw the stars and the countries of the world, the glories, graces, and graces; he saw Ireland, he saw what he most wished for. Where was it from? He knew not.

But for all he saw, his eyes darkened to the power of fear; his skin tingled with the death it afforded. When its power crept upon him, his limbs clattered amongst themselves, as death made short work of his flesh, and dried his bones until they sounded of Death’s own foul socks.

Darkness went on vacation, drinking martinis and eating caviar; it cut all ties with the land, and made its ways that of the island. Its holiday was indefinite; not merely infinite. It would return, somewhere in the breath of infinity, but the light was golden.

The boy woke, suddenly, stupifyingly more than he ever previously was. Words came from fearful tongue, rattled the cold air, which, unnerved, unready and utterly, utterly faithful, carried all the heart and soul they were made for unto distant, far fairer eardrums.

What estate is this, words cried, baffled midflight; we fly and resound, oh so softly.

What life have we now, they murmured in fearful wonder. Oh! the light we finally feel.

Words learned the weight of tears and of laughter, and the immense gravity of themselves.

The words were proud, for ever so slight a moment; they smiled and laughed in the air, sending astounding life into the world’s grey, cobwebby corners.

They lived. Their life was not short, as they once again found heart, and knocked with abounding vigor thereupon.

The heart was silent for a moment, patient and thoughtful in its still.

The heart burned, but the words would not say why. They were captive to the heart.

!Noah!

I Love Life

My life has changed. It's been 49 days, but unfortunately I won't be telling you since what. I live a different life today, though; if colors happened to be brighter today than they were seven weeks ago, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Unfortunately, it's winter, so that is unlikely. (I do hope to take some wonderfully colorful photos of my family; perhaps not for Christmas but for New Year's. Maybe for Easter or something. We delay.)

But as of about a month ago, I've asked out exactly one girl. Said girl declined my query, but I can say without a doubt that my life is better for it.

Better for her declension? (don't know if that word even belongs anywhere outside grammar, but I brought it along for the ride) No, I'm better for having asked. Perhaps it's different the second, third, fourth time (whether it be the same or another girl), but I 100% believe that if you manage to detach yourself from the outcome of said question, you will find yourself infinitely more courageous, confident, and able to face life.

Perhaps you're not romantic like me and can't see the appealing danger of the question, the terror of denial, and make it far, far more than it is (and simultaneously less, I believe), but if you're me, the appeal of the unknown is actually fairly great.

One caveat, though; I realize that my hope that the girl may say yes at a future date might be the reason for my borderline euphoric half month or so following the question...

However, I believe that I am, in fact, somewhat cured. Perhaps it will still touch me should she ultimately deny me, but I am sure I will be less of a depressed wreck at the end of it.

Imagine for a minute if women had to worry that much less about saying no...maybe more of them would rightly say no instead of accepting, only to complicate an already difficult situation.

I don't know, but it's food for thought.


My mind is clearer. I may end up writing a proper story sometime soon, because of it.

I have legitimately noticed women taking more notice of me, being more attracted to me. This is related to the rather more secretive subject, I believe, as others have said the same.

A particular girl at work, until about the same three weeks ago, was borderline disrespectful and typically unhelpful. Today, she is willing, helpful, and especially respectful to me. It's almost uncanny, and it makes me wonder if she has a crush on me, to some degree. Too much info? Sorry.


I've been taking cold showers, and you may think I'm crazy for that, in the middle of a Minnesota winter, but I'm telling you, come out of a hot shower into the cold Minnesota we know and love, and you will be COLD, but come out of a moderately chilly shower into the slight warmth of your (totally non-foggy, by the way) bathroom, and you'll feel fine, even sans towel. No joke. And even in front of my computer, inches from badly insulated windows, and a slight draft on my feet, I feel slightly warm, if only in my core. (my appendages retain heat especially badly when I'm at my computer)


In short, guys, I've felt better in the last few weeks than I have for the last five years. No exaggeration, no hyperbole. I find myself driving places and just LOVING being alive for no freaking reason. I'm more positive and outgoing at work than I've ever been before (which McDonalds itself, as well as my coworkers, are partially due credit for), and I FREAKING ASKED A GIRL OUT.

ME.

HOW THE HECK DID THAT HAPPEN?!

Do you understand now? I ASKED A GIRL OUT.

"Did she say ye...."

I ASKED A GIRL OUT.

"Did sh..."

I ASKED A GIRL OUT.

*sighs*

It'd be awkward if she found this, but I guess that's ok, because she's pretty chill.


Anyway. I had a lot to say for the last month and a half, and you just got the highlights.

Thanks for reading, guys, and please, please don't come to McDonalds this New Years' Eve. I'm serious.

Why?

Because you could instead ask a girl out. Imagine having a date in 2014.

Gosh.

A whole year to wait.

So worth it.

(I was going to title this post something super dramatic and spiritual or something, but it kinda didn't go that way. Reason number one why Noah will DEFINITELY now cease trying to title his posts before he writes them.)


!Noah!

That Girl Ruby

"So this is it?" he asked, somewhat stiffly, "third time, and no cigar?"

Venus shook her head. Her gorgeous hair flowed easily over her shoulders, as if it was enjoying this moment.

He nodded shortly. He had always hoped this wouldn't happen. It was familiar, unfortunately. The desolation of sudden, unfortunate denial.

It'd happened before, of course. It was a time loop. He couldn't escape it, apparently.

Venus had cruelly seduced him with utterly innocent loveliness without remorse or understanding. She was blind to my struggle, but of course she had her own. Poor mortals such as our hero queried for her hand day after day, day and night, spring, summer, winter, and fall. Her sad struggle is not included here, but will be told another time.

Venus. Naturally it wasn't her real name; naturally she wouldn't permit him that deep. He couldn't think of any better way to describe her, though. He didn't know how to be more in love than he was with her. Over and over and over and over. Each time felt simultaneously as much real and infinitely more real than the time before.

He was stuck.

Our hero's name shall be Swishkin. He had had his heart broken too many times to remember his own name, so his heart's pieces, over and over, time and time again, tried to regain identity, meaning, fullness.

They did not.

The shards of his heart cut carelessly through his calloused feet, but they would not bleed, of course; they were too tired.


The smell of death crept upon Swishkin.

Let me describe it to you. I have smelt death, I believe, and this is what it was like; death smelt of dirt, and the dryness of dust; death smelt of blood, and the wetness of mud too; death smelt of the earth and its dirtiest dirt. Death made my tongue feel arid, like a long, long drought.

Swishkin died.
It was not the third time.

Spring


The sun was shining, and things were pretty good. There was snow on the ground, but it was slowly sinking into the ground, like that rock that makes a pothole but then up and leaves, like it's nothing.

Swishkin, who was back then known as Jack, had school to do. As anyone with a brain in their head would do, he had taken said school outside and parked it directly under a tree of unrealistic gorgeosity. Things were bright. And by bright, I mean it looked like the world had painted itself rather absurdly brightly. I guess perhaps I could just say the world took a really big dose of LSD and had minutes to live, but I'm not positive that's the effect LSD would even have on the world if intravenously fed to a human, let alone ingested by our dear Blue Dot.

Things had gone south, recently, but Jack was rapidly forgetting it. There was no reason to dwell on a past never bought or paid for, never taken or claimed. He had a future, real and true to see to. And most important in that future, naturally, was a figure, of course, whose visage and, in fact, entire appearance, simply made the world tone things down a bit for sheer awe. Or at least that's how Jack saw it.

Said figure wore a knee-length dress with slightly pinkish overall color. Jack hadn't risked staring at said dress long enough, or advanced near enough to know the exact pattern on it. He suspected there were pink birds involved, and perhaps fiendishly gorgeous hearts, as well. She fit the dress well. Her hair was blonde, because Jack couldn't find anything wrong with blonde hair. Or maybe Jack couldn't find anything wrong with blonde hair because she wore it upon her scalp.

Her name was fabulously, absolutely, undeniably important. It was Emma. Or Julia. Or maybe Joy, or Grace, or Fiona, or maybe it was Jasmine. Perhaps not.

No. Her name was none of those, but Jack had a hard time remembering it. He couldn't understand why, and it made him grow very sweaty, as he couldn't possibly address her without knowing her name. He'd been introduced at least twice, so he was socially contracted to remember her name, or have his head removed using a chainsaw.

Ruby. Her name was Ruby.

"Ruby!" He exclaimed half accidentally. He uttered it without half the thought it obviously required, for he made a right troll of a perfectly good name.

Ruby looked his way, and he instantly felt his internal organs melt like chocolate on the surface of the sun. It was at least as messy, to be honest. Jack couldn't figure out how to breathe anymore because his lungs were simply somewhere else.

"What's up, Jack?" Ruby said with such ridiculous ease.

It was as if her tongue had been doing this talking thing for more than ten seconds.
This was more than could be said of Jack's tongue at this point, as his only response was to gulp. Somehow, his organs seemed to be organized enough for that much.

Ruby giggled slightly, because she could.

It struck Jack that Ruby was better at giggling than anyone he'd ever met, and he wasn't just saying that because he was head over heels in love with her.

It also struck him that Ruby had been somewhat curiously smiling at him for what seemed like the last half decade. One should be shot for so wasting this fabulous thing's time.

Jack reassembled his vocal cords, and managed to get some operation out of his speech center, resulting in the following pitiful sentence: "I like your dress."

He thought about that sentence for a millisecond afterward, and felt very conflicted about it; on the one hand, it was true. He loved that dress. It looked great on her, and he wasn't really ashamed to say it. However, he'd almost never said anything like that to any girl ever before in his entire life.

It felt big and incredibly, terribly frightening.

"Oh, thanks," she said, smiling. She turned on her heel and disappeared into the fabulous brightness of the campus, denying it all its glory in lieu of hers.

Jack slumped like a rag doll and sat there, blind, deaf, and dumb for a good minute or two before regaining full consciousness and comprehension.

Jack would then have been as easily seduced by the most beautiful woman in the world as by a cockroach. That is to say, his heart was no longer in his hands, so he couldn't possibly use it for anything but Ruby. He lived and breathed at her will, he wilted or floundered, drowned or swum, flew or plummeted as she demanded. He could not but love her as she set his heart's bearing.

He was undulated by the unnecessity of any other affection.

I Don't Like Writing Poetry

Lord, help me to change always, for perfection is a long way off;
Bring me every day nearer to you, for my walk is yet long.

My heart follows after the lies of the devil;
and my mind deceives my heart with foolish lies.

My heart runs after riches and glory and all good things, Lord;
but for you my feet do not amble.

I feel the need for goods and love and praise, but do not see your glory as my own. I eat my food and wake my days and sleep my nights, but I do not see you! I am bent over as an old man, Lord, and my heart is of too many minds to survive! Unite my loves for you, and use my heart for your glory.

Your miserable wretch,


!Noah!