January 23, 2017

Blockhead Sans Belonging

I do not belong here.

That's what's been knocking around in my head for the last several months. I got a job back in April which (for the last two to three months) has put me in the company of friends between the hours of 4 PM and midnight, in a sufficient but not extravagant kitchen somewhere in Dinkytown.

I've known since before I got the job that I wouldn't enjoy it. I was hoping, at the time, that I'd stop cooking and start serving within a few months, something I, despite being an introvert, have shown some aptitude for. Not so.

I don't belong there. I love my coworkers and have only rarely resented their company, my managers are between neutral and decidedly familial. I have often enjoyed parts of my job, but as a whole it's something I desperately want to put behind me.

The same applies to my childhood home. I'm 23 at present, going on 24, as a pair of young lovebirds might say, and haven't the means I think I need to enter a new stage of life.

In case I found cause, at this point, to revive my efforts, motivations, and pursuits, I've had a number of personal defeats as of late; rejection, temptation to addiction, solitude simultaneously excessive and insufficient.

So here I am, screaming unto the night. And why?



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