June 28, 2016

The Humility of Patience

Something occurred to me, as I was laying in bed, thinking about my choices and options going forward in the coming days and weeks.

Of late, a few things are on my mind with particular weight, not the least of which is this girl I know. She and I have a number of interests and passions in common, and my feelings and desire tell me to immediately act on them. They tell me, "What if tomorrow she met someone else?"

I guess this is fear. I'm afraid that she'll find someone to love her, and I'll "miss out."

What a fool am I.

The problem with this attitude is that, by it, I make the assumption that there's no better man for her in this world than myself. Either that, or, when all is said and done, I'm not the best man for her, and I actually don't care what's best for her.

To put it simply, that complete lack of humility, in my view, makes the difference between love and hate. If love is the giving of oneself for the benefit of another, and hate the giving of another for the benefit of oneself, then I do, indeed, hate her by presuming to be the best person to know her and love her.

And this says nothing of how insulting it is to assume she'd choose someone unfit, unkind, or unloving, which, incidentally, is exactly what I become if I pridefully presume to be the best for her.

That is, through my lack of humility, I make myself less able (also less worthy) to love her truly.

I've lived my life patient, by my estimation. Sure, I'm not always patient, sometimes I feel impatience, and I certainly act on it from time to time. But when things matter, when I probably should be pushing and driving both myself and others to be better, I usually wait and prefer hope instead of action.

Thus, it grates on my very soul to turn again to patience as the best course of action, but I think in this case it may be best. If for impatience' sake I would either think less of her, or more of myself, then I'd say I've sabotaged the endeavor from the outset.

Perhaps I should act today, but I know with absolute certainty I should never act motivated by the fear that she would "find someone better".

If anything, I should pray to God she finds someone Godlier than I. Quickly.


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