May 14, 2015

Where Is the Door?

So, unfortunately the latter part of my trip to Southeast Asia hasn't yet come up on this blog yet. I'm sorry for that, but priorities have changed. To put things in perspective, I'd like to give you a bit of background and information on what's been going on since I got back from a wedding in California, since I got back from Vietnam, and since I've been born. The days have piled up.

So to begin with, I'm an addict. I guess that's sort of a hard word to say in our world, but rest assured it's not cigarettes, drugs, or alcohol. I dislike cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs, almost without exception, even to my own detriment, at times. So what is it?

Well, for the sake of some of my audience, I won't be mentioning one of my greater struggles, as it is one unfortunately better fought in the company of brothers, but of the remaining two or three, I will be candid.

I've been playing video games for probably ten years now, maybe more. I can't really remember, being that my memory isn't great to begin with, and it's been so long...but it's been a long time. I started out playing Xgalaga, Tuxracer, and Age of Empires, all to my parents' chagrin. Eventually it led to ban after ban of the games we'd play, as, even in those days, I'd go out of my way to play the games and to conceal it from my parents. Now I'm an adult, unfortunately, so no such concealment is necessary. However, I live at home. I'm not independent or self-sustaining, and given the way I'm using my time and life right now, I'm a leech.

Since I arrived back from Vietnam, I've put over three hundred hours into video games, and that's the smaller part of the time I've put into a wide variety of games over time. It wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest I'd put three or four thousand hours into various games, not the least of which would be the Battlefield series.

It is an escape. Just like the other such addiction which I'm not mentioning, it takes me from the present and prevents me from worrying about life and my problems.

Finally, I've idolized, and become addicted to, the idea of a relationship, marriage, and, of course, intimacy. This has been going on for nearly a decade as well. I'm continually frustrated in my attempts to advance myself in a romantic capacity, not for lack of confidence or anything. For lack of substance and purpose, I believe.

Substance and purpose. That would be amazing to have right now. I could go and clean up the kitchen, do the dishes, make life better for my family. But why? Tomorrow the same mess will be there, the same apathy and unwillingness, in myself and my family, to do anything productive, anything worthy and God-honoring.

And where is my faith? I flatter myself that I've never known a day I didn't know Jesus, but what weight has my faith? I languish and laze every day, and in the end, the sun rises, and I fall.

I am a wretch. These are not empty words. I can't even fathom the depth of their truth; I merely see the surface, the sheen of truth. The meat of it goes far deeper.

All of this must go somewhere. All of me must purpose itself anew. I must find direction and meaning. My soul wastes away as I do otherwise.

As a child I once imagined I might become a missionary to a foreign country. As a child, though, I had not these idols and addictions. I had no thousand dollar gaming computer. I had no serious interest in girls.

Going to Vietnam was a good thing, but it, too, allowed me to waste in my laziness and apathy. I made art, I wrote, I met new people, and I loved them...

But God I forgot.

And it doesn't hurt half as much as it should.

I'm going to a conference where I'll meet more lovers of God, spend good time hearing the Gospel, over and over.

They are all escapes. I keep jumping out windows, for I'm blind to the door...

This world is a cruel maze to find the God of the universe in.

Pray that I find my way.


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